NYE 2009: Here's to a better 2010!!!

I've been thinking about what to post for NYE. I can't really think of anything compelling and I don't feel like doing a more organized year in review. Here are a few thoughts:

Not much going on here for tonight. It doesn't make sense going out tonight since I can't dance. We've purchased a rib roast so it'll be champagne and a good cut of meat tonight. And for tomorrow - omelettes, scones, clotted cream, jam and mimosas for breakfast!

I think 2009 was a good year. Aidan doesn't really agree - he said it was very difficult. It was definitely difficult but for me it was much better than 2008. In 2008, I was told that things were wrong with me and with Aidan, school sucked, work sucked, my confidence was virtually non-existent and I was borderline depressed. This year I got up off of my butt and made changes. Yes, that meant starting a consulting business during a recession, a failed IVF cycle, retooling my entire dissertation proposal and fibroid removal surgery but for me that was progress. Frustrating progress but progress all the same. I'm tired, somewhat frustrated but more optimistic than I was this time last year. I see a lot of work in 2010 but I don't mind it as much.

I have so many hopes for 2010, least of which being getting pregnant (hopefully naturally at that). As important as that is, I really want to help Aidan rebuild his confidence while I continue to work on mine. We've both been beaten up pretty badly over the last 2 years. We've made a lot of progress since September. Aidan was amazing in Boston and he said that he felt better than he did in CZ. I hope that he continues to feel this way as the new year develops!

As for normal stuff, we plan to spend time retooling our priorities. House and home was the lowest priority in 2009 and it shows somewhat. We intend to ensure that doesn't happen in 2010.

I may think of more later. I'm watching the stage version of Victor/Victoria on tv and it's distracting me...

A Wonderful Christmas...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Christmas was lovely. It really shows that slowing down does make a difference. I'll have to remember this in the future. Christmas Eve was nice. I decided to spend the day watching Christmas specials and reading. When Aidan got home mid-afternoon we relaxed until we had to head to church for the Children's Mass. It was an enjoyable Mass. It hurt to sing since I am a diaphragm singer but it was nice to sing the Christmas carols. The Nativity was adorable and my MIL had done a wonderful job decorating the church. After Mass we went to La Trattoria for dinner. I had some lovely mussels followed by lasagna while Aidan had chicken cacciatore. We then watch 'Fringe' until midnight. We opened one stocking gift each before going to bed. We woke up in the morning and started opening stocking gifts. The stockings were excellent this year. I think we now have figured out how to infuse the meaning that we put into the tree gifts into the stocking gifts while keeping them fun. We then jumped into the car and met my mom and dad at the graveyard. We put poinsettias on my great-grandmother and grandmother's graves (mother's) and then headed east to put flowers on my grandparent's graves (father's). Afterwards we went to my parent's house for breakfast (cassava pie and ham) and to have them open their gifts from us. Next was Aidan's parents to exchange gifts there. We finally got back home and sat on the floor next to the tree and exchanged gifts with each other. The afternoon brought Aidan's grandfather and parents and my parents to our house for Christmas dinner. Everyone brought food and we provided the china and crystal and wine. It was an excellent dinner with lots of conversation. I will admit to sitting on the couch for a quick nap in the midst of the afternoon though..... After everyone left we cleaned up and then watched more 'Fringe'. Boxing Day was nice and lazy. We finished watching 'Fringe' and then headed to Aidan's parent's for his family's Boxing Day lunch. More great food and this time games as well. When we got home it was time for 'Doctor Who'!!!!! Yesterday I overslept so I missed church - Aidan did go though. I felt pretty bad about that. We watched 'The Tudors' until we had to go out to a few friends' open houses. More food!!! We finished 'The Tudors' when we got back, watched the 2 episodes of 'United States of Tara' that were on the DVD and then started watching season 1 of 'Star Trek - The Original Series'. Today is the observance of Boxing Day since it fell on Saturday. We're going into Hamilton for lunch and to do some shopping for the Pipe Band party that we're hosting on Wednesday night and prep for our New Year's dinner. I also need to exchange a sweater (it has polka dots). And tomorrow, I need to go to the hospital for blood tests and then hopefully have lunch with a few of my interns.

Christmas, Christmas Time is Here!!!!

It's Christmas Eve - perhaps one of my most favorite days of the year. No running around shopping on behalf of my dad last minute this year (Aidan just did it for me - he's such a star) or having lunch in the midst of Christmas Eve mayhem or catching an afternoon movie this year. Yup, I am at home, on the couch, tracking Santa on www.noradsanta.org. And I am not complaining - today it is just fine. I'll watch a few Christmas specials, snuggle with the doggies and when Aidan gets home we'll watch some 'Fringe'. We've decided to go to the 6pm Children's Mass this evening because we're not sure my body can handle midnight mass so I think we'll do dinner afterwards and go to see some Christmas lights.

The dentist visit went well yesterday. I am going to have to get veneers for my front teeth in 2010. I broke both of the them when I was 9 (a fall from a balance beam) and killed the nerves so the teeth look different from the others. I had x-rays yesterday because the dentist thought one was infected but it was just that the nerve was dead. So I need to think about teeth and getting pg in 2010... no biggie.

All I Want for Christmas is My Front Tooth....

Who'd have thought that life on the couch would be so difficult!

Yeah, I'm trying to take it easy. Between the low energy and the sore belly, I get more than enough reminders daily that I need to be careful. The transition to Tylenol hasn't been going well and I am doing the oxycodone first thing in the morning in an attempt to keep the pain in check. Menstrual cramps have not helped the situation even though the flow has been dream in comparison to past months.

Anyhow, I was having dinner last night and chipped my front tooth. I was so pissed off at that. It was a cap so the whole corner is gone! Thankfully my dentist will see me tomorrow at 11am but that also means getting to the dentist tomorrow at 11am. I still can't drive for at least 2 weeks (tried driving down the hill yesterday and braking is hell on my abdomen)and catching the bus is not fun. I hope Aidan and I can figure out a plan. At lease I'll gt my wish for my front tooth for Christmas!

Added to the insanity of yesterday, we took our CKCS, Bronwyn, and our black cat, Matthias, to the vet yesterday. We also had to take the other CKCS, Ptolemy, with us or he would have howled the house down. Well, I learned that dogs on leashes and sore bellies don't mix. Bronwyn and Matthias survived their annual shots and worming - Matthias has been sleeping off the visit while Bronwyn it brighter this morning. And I won't be walking Ptolemy and Bronwyn on my own any time soon - it took a while to get the pain under control last night....

And then came the best part. Resigned to staying on the couch after the vet visit and the tooth incident, I turned on Lifetime for a Christmas movie or two. With the weather the way it is here (cold, windy and rainy), I was bundled up in my fleece blanket. We had lost electricity earlier in the day and I was hopeful that I could finish the movie before we lost it again thanks to some minor light flickering. All of a sudden I heard an explosion... but the lights were still on. Turns out that one of our reverse cycle A/Cs blew out. Aidan tried to look over it in the dark but had to wait until this morning. Looks like we may have to replace the unit... sigh.

On a positive note, our open house went very well. Beatles RockBand was the star of the day. Sadly the weather kept many away but we still had a significant number of guests. I managed to stay on the couch most of the day. It got a bit difficult to do so when a lot of people arrived in the evening.

Let's Get This Holiday Season Moving...

Outside of sub-par bus ride yesterday, the student reception an Aidan's company's dinner was good. I also managed to pick up table cloths for tomorrow's open house and my Torchwood 2009 Annual. So with that done, it's time to get the holidays started.

Tonight we're having an early Christmas at Aidan's sister's house. His brother and sister will be flying to the UK to spend Christmas with their respective spouses' families. So tonight we're letting them open their presents early if they wish and then going out to dinner. We probably won't open anything because we're more the type to open gifts on or after Christmas but I am hoping they like what we've chosen for them!

I'm almost ready for tomorrow's Open House. I am contemplating whether to have a game or something to give away a few prizes. I picked up a few things just in case but I haven't figured out the type of game. Usually I do a Tombola but I can't be bothered this year. It has to be a game where they'd win a prize while they are there. Maybe if I do a Christmas Quiz and perfect scores get a prize.... I don't know...

Oh yeah, my period has started and I am happy to say that it is quite nice compared to past months! I am so on time that even major surgery can't stop my cycle!!!

Healing...

I got home and in the midst of being excited to be back in my house with my dogs and cats and my tempurpedic mattress I also had to deal with bleeding and swelling. It wasn't a surprise because the doctor said it would most likely happen - and to be prepared for random bleeding over the next 8 weeks. So after doing laundry, I napped, hoping that the bleeding would slow... it didn't.

I had to go to the Christmas Concert for a school that I am a Board Member. It is a K-12 school so it was a longish evening. But it was great fun. The little kids were really cute and the Glee Club sounded great. In the Nativity, they had a live Donkey which was really cool!.

We then went to visit my parents. It was nice to catch up but I was so ready for bed. So we headed home and I spent much of the night concerned about the bleeding. It stopped around 3am but I was already tired. Thank God I did not have to go to work today!

So I am set to go to a reception tonight and then a dinner. Unfortunately I have to catch the bus into Hamilton since I cannot drive. I have no idea how I'll get to the dinner... I can't walk!Anyhow, I have finished wrapping presents and need to start getting the house ready for Saturday.

I am on Tylenol at the moment and I am feeling achy. I might take a nap shortly...

Going Home Tomorrow!!!!!!

The last few days have been ok. Lots and lots of rest. The bruising on my right thigh had both of us concerned so I took it extra easy. I seem to get really drowsy in the afternoon so it hasn't been a problem being on the extra bed rest. I've still had about 2 daily walks. Plus Aidan took me to see the Boston Pops Holiday Pops on Sunday. So the last few days, while frustrating have been fun. Each evening Aidan has gotten an entree from Cheesecake Factory and we've shared it while watching the second season of the UK version of 'Life on Mars'. This has also meant that we've been able to experience the cheesecake - finally! And it is yummy!!!

Today was my postop appointment. Aidan was more nervous than I because he was concerned that the bruising on my leg would have me here for a few more days (believe me, we're ready to go home!). We wen't to the hospital via the T and then had to walk through Brigham & Women's via 'The Pike'. The hospital truly is a rabbit warren of offices and hallways. We checked in with our coordinator, gave great feedback on our stay at the Sheraton and gave her some Cadbury chocolates. We then headed to the 2nd floor for the appointment. I went in frst to be weighed and have my blood pressure checked. My weight is good and therefore will be back to normal when I get rid of all of this extra fluid. My blood pressure was the best I've seen it in a doctor's office. We then had a wait for the doctor.

When the doctor arrived she went over the 4 page report with me. She went through the locations of all of the fibroids, what was done to remove them. In the end, I had 3 fibroids that had entered the uterine cavity and were therefore affecting my fertility. Due to the repairs, I will have to have a c-section to deliver any children. And, we can basically start trying again in 4 months!!! I have to have a hysterscopy before doing IVF again but I am so very hopeful that we won't need to do another cycle..... (fingers crossed). Anyhow, the bruising was expected and my internal exam, while painful, indicated that I was healing well. She adjusted my meds so I should not be trippin' the way I did this past weekend. And best of all, I can go home tomorrow! We gave her some Cadbury chocolates as well and left the hospital so very relieved!

So this afternoon after my nap we did a little shopping. Aidan got me a knit dress for Saturday's party - a larger dress size so it will be comfortable. We also walked part of the way down Newbury Street to see the lights and the windows. Aidan is now doing some last minute shopping and we'll be going to dinner with Carrie & Peter this evening.

The hospital has scheduled pick-up for 6am tomorrow morning and we should be home by noon. I cannot wait to climb into my bed!!!!!

Crazed...

Ok, the drugs are amazing. I have been taking one oxycodone every 4 hours. I started with 2 tablets every 4 hours and I was as high as a kite. So it's been one tablet since Friday and today it is every 6 hours. It is indeed a special drug. I've been dozing off and have had the most active dream-life that I've ever had. Aidan has said that I was asleep and still carrying on conversations with him on Friday.

Yesterday was crazy though. I was a bit paranoid because my bruises settled in yesterday (it looks as if I was beaten my my stomach and right thigh). After calming down to have dinner and watching a few episodes of "Life on Mars, Season 2" we turned out the lights for the evening. My vivid dreams became paranoid dreams. I was afraid to sleep. I ended up with the light on and dozing over 6 or so hours. In the morning I finally felt normal enough to go to sleep. By lunchtime I was back to normal. At one point last night I wanted to go to the hospital because I was so paranoid. So the dosage has been cut and so far, so good. I am so looking forward to Tuesday's appointment though...

Other than that, the pain isn't too bad. The weariness is a PITA but that is expected over the next few weeks. I am so taking it easy.... I really do not need to rush myself through this!

Recovery....

Yesterday was difficult. Not a lot of pain due to the drugs but I am so very sore and swollen. Aida has been a star, taking my temps, making sure I have my meds and making me rest. We ha dinner at the Cheesecake Factory last night because I had to have a steak for dinner (doctor's orders). I ate maybe 1/2 of it with some spinach. Unfortunately I was having an allergic reaction to something (we think the glycerin in my anti-bloating meds) and he itching was so bad that I ended up back in the room drinking lots of water and standing under the shower.

Going back to Wednesday, we left the hotel early due to the snow. It was very light and fluffy at that time so it wasn't much to worry about. We got to the hospital a little after 7.35 and went to admitting. Unlike home where admitting is in the emergency department, admitting at Brigham & Women's was like a hotel lobby with fashion drawings all over the wall. It moved quickly and in minutes I was called in for paperwork and then I was called to be taken to get ready for surgery. Walking through the hospital was a bit unnerving but I got into cubicle number 5, changed and got comfortable. My nurse was excellent as she went ovr everything and I was soon visited by the anesthesiologist, the surgery nurse and my doctor and her fellowship student. I also received a reiki session before they inserted the IV and took my glasses. Aidan was sent upstairs to the Family lounge and I was wheeled into the operating theatre. They made me really comfortable with hot air pillows, etc. Then the buzzing started in my head and I was out.

No dreams or anything, I just woke up in recovery 6 hours later. I felt pretty sore. Even with the meds the cramping on the right side was pretty bad. I was in recovery for 3.5 hours while they got the pain under control. Aidan was brought down at one point but I was still hurting so they said they'd call him when I was ready to go to my room. That was about 7.30-8pm. They had me in the women's part of the hospital in a private room. Aidan was able to stay in a fold out chair and they gave him blankets and pillows. I began working on meeting the requirements for release immediately. I went to the bathroom (#1) at about 8.30 and It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I went for a walk around the floor around 9.30 and was eating crackers and soup by 10pm. The fellowship student came to visit and was so amazed at my progress.

The night was long. They had me up every hour for blood pressure, temperature and pulse checks. Plus I was up every 2 hours for #1. At 5am I turned on the tv and dozed off and on until 8.30. I then sent Aidan off to breakfast and ordered some for myself. The fellowship student and the nurse came in at that point and did my final exam, removing the tape from the incisions. They then went to do the discharge papers and I ate and eventually got dressed. We were out of there around 11am. Aidan had to go to the pharmacy for the drugs while I tried to get comfortable in bed. At about 3.30pm I went for a walk and then we did dinner at six. We tried to watch some tv - the first episode of season 2 of 'Life on Mars' but i was pretty drowsy. So I been getting up every 2 hours as before and Aidan has been making sure I get the pain meds every 4 hours.

I am hopeful that the worst is over. The gas is the worst part - It's tough to get it moving. I have to thank MIL for the full size brief recommendation. We purchased some at CVS and they make a world of difference over the incisions. My belly and bikini area look really weird - very swollen and droopy. Still the scars will be small and I will eventually get the bloating under control.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers. It has been a crazy roller coaster ride.

I'm OK!

Just a quickie! Surgery took place and went well.They got 10 fibroids. Surgery took 6 hours.

Surgery Today... Maybe

It's snowing so we're going to have to head to the hospital soon. We're making 8am and my surgery is scheduled for 9.30am. I should be released tomorrow afternoon if all goes well. That is if the surgery takes place! Yeah, I might get there and be told to come back later. Apparently the robot needs new blades and they're scheduled to arrive via Fedex at 8am. And yes, there is a snow storm sweeping the country.... argh!

Anyhow, pre-op was ok yesterday. We arrived early but they were able to take us. I had two meetings, had my blood pressure checked (good considering my white coat fever) and blood drawn (not fun but no bruise). We spent most of the day waiting for info on whether I would have to do a bowel prep. I only drank half of the magnesium citrate before I was told it wasn't necessary, but I had to stop eating. That was also when we were told about the robot issue.

We had a relaxing night though. We went over to the Cambridgeside Galleria for a change of scenery. Sadly, they had a Taco Bell and I couldn't have any (Thankfully, I wasn't hungry). I did have to get briefs for after the surgery while I was there... I am so not used to briefs anymore.....

So hopefully I'll be online at some point - they have wireless throughout the hospital and we will have both computers. Not sure if Aidan will do an update...

Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and thoughts!I truly appreciate it!

Feels Like Home... Sorta

I love Boston. I intend to purchase a condo here one day. I loved living here and try to visit as often as possible. So when we flew in yesterday, it felt like coming home. Granted, home is a hotel but it is connected to the Prudential Center so it is a well known area for me. We got used to our surroundings during the early evening. We managed to send all of the cards and gifts that had to go to the US and internationally (we sent the Bermuda ones yesterday before we left). We only have to go outside to get to the Shaw's supermarket. So we're happy with our location.

I don't have wireless though.... so we only have one computer between the two of us at the moment. It's a PITA. I cannot believe how I now expect wireless in my room when I travel. I mean shoot, I'm going to have wireless in the hospital but I don't have it in my hotel room! Anyway, we're trying to network the netbook to the laptop and I am having no luck.

So today is pre-op. Tomorrow it's supposed to snow. Just can't wait to get to Friday because it'll be over and I'll be back at the hotel recovering! In the meantime, I'll try to be calm. We celebrated our anniversary (8th anniversary of saying 'I Love You' to each other)last night at The Cheesecake Factory so that was really nice. We're contemplating getting tickets to see the Holiday Pops concert... probably won't happen until the weekend though.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas!!!

I love the holiday season so it should be of no surprise to anyone that we picked up our tree today. Aidan is putting it in the stand as I type. We'll let it drop for the rest of today (we're at the St. Andrews Ball tonight) and decorate tomorrow. I love coming home to the smell of a tree and the lights (I'm a white lights kind of gal).

Thanksgiving was busy. Between my mom coming home, a meeting and making dinner, the day was full. I made a wonderful apple custard pie that for an experiment was amazing. As crazy as this year has been, I am so very thankful for my life, my family and my friends.

I had a question about why we've decided to go to Norway for IVF #2 versus NJ or NY. Like our decision to go to the Czech Republic this past summer, the decision was twofold. First, we want to have a vacation while we go through the process. While it isn't a relaxing type of vacation, it is more relaxing than doing it while working. The second reason is cost. IVF in CZ was very inexpensive and in Norway it will be more expensive than CZ but still less expensive than doing it in the US. Finally, we're both psyched about visiting Norway. Aidan has been there twice and loves it and I've never been there. Aidan's already excited about planning this cycle which is half the battle, as far as I am concerned! So while I would still love for us to do this naturally, Norway would be a cool place to visit while going through this process.

Pictures from the Royal Visit to Bermuda

I didn't make the parade but Aidan said it was a great experience.

Our wedding photographer got some great shots of the Royal Visit to St. Georges. Enjoy.

http://www.bermynet.com/photos/november242009

Here are photos from another photographer from the Queen's visit to Hamilton on Nov 25th:

http://www.bermynet.com/photos/november2509ham/p/1

Pretty Darn Cool.....

The support group was excellent. I really wish Aidan was able to come with me but he was getting his kit ready for today's parade in St. Georges for the Queen. In any case, the participants were amazing and their journeys were fascinating. I didn't freak out, cry or clam up. I just shared my story and eventually information that I had researched that was helpful to others. In the end, we went over by 30 minutes but it was worth it.

I am contemplating how to go to St. Georges today to see the parade....

Another New Adventure....

Last week I decided to take the plunge.... Tonight I'm going to my first IRL Infertility Support Group. People who know what I've been doing have been encouraging me to go for a few months but since I was seeing a therapist, I didn't feel the need. After we came back from CZ and the 2 weeks of insanity that included the beta and its aftermath, I almost decided to attend but a meeting with my therapist calmed me down enough to change my mind. Well, my therapist is leaving the country. I thought about it for a few days after receiving the news and then emailed the group's organizer. So I am forgoing the dance class tonight to visit with the group. Thankfully, they do not meet every week so I will be able to go to class some weeks. On the other hand, we're off to Boston in 2 weeks so I may not get to attend again until the calendar flips over into 2010.

In any case, I am pretty nervous about attending. I go through phases of feeling like I'll fit in. I usually bring a book to parties just in case my socializing mood is off for the evening. What if I don't feel like sharing or if I don't feel comfortable like I do/did with my therapist? Sure, tomorrow I'll probably say that the group is absolutely amazing (I've been told that it is).

Perhaps what I am more nervous about is surgery and the group is a scapegoat for my fears over the whole process. I've been open about the procedure. Whenever I get congrats on being pg I just say "oh no - it's fibroid tumors and I'm having them removed next month". It usually nips that conversation off at the knees. But I still need to go out there, get through pre-op, have the surgery and then get through the first 48 hours after surgery and then the energy rollercoaster post surgery. Sure, I'll be fine and Aidan will be there for me but I can't help but think further ahead as well, past my fear of hospitals and needles and having to spend the night in the hospital (I hope they drug me up well!). What happens when they say we can TTC again. That rollercoaster I am not looking forward to. As AF has just begun, without the anxiety of the past 20+ months, I can only imagine how I'm going to feel after going through all of this and still not succeeding. I am positive looking towards 2010 but I don't like the pain I've felt in 2007, 2008 and 2009.

Anyhow, the Queen will be arriving tomorrow with Prince Philip. Aidan will be playing for their visit. I don't know if I'll get the opportunity to see her - perhaps I will get the chance when she arrives in Hamilton for a church service. The media are already here - I went to purchase socks for Aidan's Christmas stocking and encountered a British news crew interviewing a shopkeeper about Bermuda shorts and whether they could be popular in the UK for business men. I slipped out the side door after making my purchase as I had no desire to be pulled into the circus...

Anyhow, the Christmas letter is still not done so the Christmas cards aren't either. We did wrap some gifts while we watched tv this weekend so at least we won't have to worry about that. I'd like to get the cards out next week and we'll probably mail the US and international cards when we're in Boston (still thinking about the logistics of that...).

November ICLW - Thanks for Stopping By!!!

Welcome from Bermuda. I'm getting ready for 3 things currently: 1) My mom is flying back home on Thanksgiving Day after a successful kidney transplant that she received in October; 2) I'm getting ready for Fibroid surgery in Boston in December and; 3) I'm getting the house ready for the Holidays!!! It's less hectic than previous months and I am actually feeling pretty organized for the first time since June/July!

Here's a little bit about my world:

Me - 35, independent consultant and dancer, 5+ years into a doctoral program in management (in the process of changing the methodology to simplify the study and finish... I have the BEST editor), dx with polycyctic kidney disease (not affecting fertility) and fibroids (apparently affecting fertility). I love MGM Musicals, theatre, Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Audrey Hepburn, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Star Wars, Star Trek and dancing.

DH - 37, engineer, clairinet player and bagpiper, dx high prolactin levels and low motility. He loves marching and pipe bands, theatre, suspense novels, strategy games and good BBC programming.

Our Life - met in 1999 or 2000 (depends on who you speak to), dating in 2001, engaged in 2005, married in 2006 and began TTCing in 2007. I'm having the Da Vinci robotic fibroid removal surgery on Dec 9th so we're on a TTC break until June 2010. I am also about to join an IRL infertility support group.

Other stuff - we have 2 cats and 2 dogs (CKCSs). We love to travel (it happens when you're stuck on a 21 square mile Island). We love Broadway and West End Shows. We both enjoy being onstage performing or backsage making the show happen. We're planners and that probably makes this whole IF thing suck royally.

What we're doing to get by - We started increasing our communication with each other after I had an emotional explosion in December 2007 over an unsuccessful cycle. Since December 08 we've stopped putting our energy into TTCing and started putting it into getting healthier and spending quality time together. This year we've walked the equivalent of a marathon and ran a half-marathon. We've adopted healthy eating habits and are doing acupuncture. We did our first IVF cycle in Zlin in the Czech Republic (we did not miss out on our annual vacation). We're considering doing IVF #2 in Norway next in June or September 2010 once I've healed from the fibroid removal surgery.

Other than that, we're looking forward to the holiday season.

Christmas Cards 2009

Suzy - I hope you like them!

I am soooo boring....

Hi - I haven't been around much. It hasn't been for interesting reasons though. Wish I can say the non-TTC life is therapeutic and I am refreshed. Basically I've replaced worrying about TTCing with tons of work.... I'm so boring! That said, it's been hellish at work lately. I have decided that things need to slow down quite a bit leading up to surgery. I am going to resign from one of my clients because I just cannot give them the time that they need. Added to that, I don't need to be worrying about getting back to work after surgery is done. I can only manage one pressure cooker client at a time. To try to relax (not really happening though), I've gone through Charlaine Harris' Aurora Teagarden series (the last book pissed me off a bit ) and am almost finished the Lily Bard series (I've really liked these). I've purchased the Harper Connelly series for my kindle but I really need to hold on it it for after the surgery. I also purchased a book that's supposed to be the sequel to 'A Christmas Carol' that had really good reviews. We took the Christmas decorations out of the basement yesterday to air out. I need to figure out what to do with the wreath this year. Aidan is going to start on the 2009 Christmas Letter so we can start addressing envelopes. I'm not too happy with the homemade cards this year but I chalk it up to not being as relaxed as I usually am at this time of year. I'm hoping that early tree trimming will calm me down. But now that I think of it, there will then be present wrapping - then house preparation for the Open House (thankfully that will be catered) - then there's Christmas and Boxing Day when we'll be driving all over the place. Why do I always think that the holidays will somehow be relaxing.


We've also done a little tv watching. We just finished the UK version of 'Life on Mars' and are almost finished 'Firefly'. Not sure what we'll watch next - perhaps start on the Christmas movies and tv specials (I think I'll purchase 'It's a Wonderful Life' this year and I have already ordered 'Christmas in Connecticut' from Amazon. I am contemplating taking off next Thursday since it isn't a holiday here. I don't know whether to make a Thanksgiving dinner for the Thursday or for the Sunday. If I can steer clear of this client that I am resigning from, life should slow down a tad (and not even that much since I still have quite a few irons in the fire). I really do plan to stop once I am away and will have no choice but to take it easy when I get back.

At Home...

... at least for today and tomorrow. The Summit was hellish because I had to drug myself up the entire time. The hotel food got old really fast and the AC was a PITA. Still, the Summit went well.

I have today and tomorrow to relax a bit and catch up with stuff around the house (and hopefully order our Christmas Tree). I have managed to pay some bills but I still need to do invoices for October and to also catch up with my editor and send her the next payment. Plus, I have a Christmas Cardmaking Party on Saturday so I need to sort out my Christmas Card list to see how many card I need to make.

I am so happy that it is November though. Can't wait to do more baking, Thanksgiving and ultimately Christmas music. Yeah, it also marks the countdown to surgery next month but that is also another step towards our goal!

My mom is good. The weather has changed in Boston so my parents need to go shopping for some warmer clothes. She also plans to start her Christmas shopping next week.

It's Official... I'm Sick

Yeah, the sore throat went into my head last night. Now I have a runny nose, stuffed up head and sneezing along with a cough and sore throat. At the moment I'm using Olbas Oil because I cannot afford to be drowsy at a meeting this afternoon and the pharmacy nearby does not have the meds I can take. So I just want to go to this meeting and then go home and crash. Granted, I have a ton of work to do after the meeting to be prepared for tomorrow morning's 8.30am meeting.... I hope I start feeling a bit better for some date night activities tonight (I think we were going to play some  wii Sports Resort - I'm the frisbee queen!)

So many things to do before tomorrow (when we pretty much move into the hotel until Tuesday)Top on my list - I need to order our Christmas tree and pay for delivery for just after American Thanksgiving. I need to have it decorated before we leave for Boston. I also need to send out volunteer emails for the Panto tonight because I won't have time to deal with that this weekend. And I really need to pay some bills since Nov 1st is on Sunday...

My mom is doing well. She should get out of the hospital today or tomorrow. I fedexed her a package with some Doctor Who books in it. I might send some more to her via Amazon. She's in such good spirits which makes me really happy. Kidney failure is a catch-22 really. It's great that there is dialysis to keep you alive but it really does a number on your quality of life. I remember when my mom was just about to go back on dialysis and she was grateful that she's have a rest from the anti rejection drugs that gave her awful side effects like diabetes, etc. I'd have to say though that in the last two years, she was really down about the dialysis and missed being able to do things (like travel on the spur of the moment to see my brother and the kids, etc). She's already talking about spending more time travelling to see the grandkids in Fl - it makes me so happy to see her this excited.

Gotta run - need to buy a few things for this weekend before my 3pm meeting.

My Romantic Side....

I've always been a pretty practical gal with a romantic streak. The romantic streak comes from the many books and movies that I devour. Many of the books are classics but include more modern romance novels as well (and a smattering of Betty and Veronica comics...). The movies often fall in the MGM musical category but during the holiday season the Hallmark Channel and ABC Family get a lot of use in my house.

Yesterday, I watched the Hallmark Channel for most of the afternoon. I didn't plan to but I noticed that most of my book reading lately has been more suspense and murder and not so much love and romance. Yesterday's movies focused on weddings - a topic that I pretty much avoided when I was getting married myself. I wasn't and am not a wedding obsessed person and did not do much wedding reading or watching when going through the process. I was a tad pissed about the commercialism of the entire process and therefore never got swept up in the wedding machine. Aidan and I planned everything like a project and just got on with it, contingencies and all. It was lovely but it didn't take over our lives because we didn't let it. Well, upon watching the movies yesterday, I yearned for that simpler time when for many cake flavors and choosing a wedding dress were considered stressful. I mean, if I knew that IF would be kicking our butts 2-3 years later, perhaps I would have put more fun into the wedding planning process...

What do I mean by fun? Well, I loved our ceremony and reception and I'd change nothing. However, I avoided having a bridal shower and threw myself a pseudo-bachelorette in order to control the craziness. In the back of my mind I believed that I'd have a baby shower at some point (which scared the crap out of me) and would need advice. We had owned our house for a year before getting married and moving in so bridal shower gifts seemed excessive so I respectfully told my mom to dissuade people from throwing a bridal shower. As for the bachelorette party - I was afraid of blow up dolls with strap-ons.... Anyhow, I now wonder whether I missed out on a fun experience that would have provided other positive memories during this pessimistic time in my life. Then again, my wedding memories don't really help me now when I'm down.... I guess I feel like I placed all of my eggs in the baby shower basket,  the basket went missing and I'm a little sore about it.

Getting back to being romantic... the movies also made me think about a time when I romanticized creating kids. It seems silly now. Hell, it seems utterly idiotic that we planned our wedding around my cycle so that we could consummate our marriage without protection and without the fear of getting pregnant before we were ready... oh well. Romanticizing baby making still happens one in a while. IVF sorta takes the zing out of it but  finding ways to reconnect with each other keeps the drams alive!

I can guarantee that when I am on my couch between Dec 18 and New Years that I'll be thinking this way quite a bit. I hope that instead of thinking about the past, I will use these thoughts to be more romantic in the present. I just purchased a Christmas themed romance novel to kick things off... hope I can

What a week!!!

First I want to thank everyone for their wonderful thoughts and prayers. I've finally spoken to my mom and she's doing really well. They should release her next week and she'll then have to stay in Boston for 3-6 weeks.

I've been trying to respond to everyone and catch up on ICLW. It's such a wonderful way to get to know people!!!!

Lat performance tonight for the Tattoo..... I'm cooling out today (hopefully) and watching QVC while reading blogs :)

Vacation please....

It seems that there is no such thing as a slow time in my life. The summer was supposed to be slow and I ended up managing working on multiple projects that had me doing 18 hour days. IVF #1 was done while I was on vacation but it definitely wasn't our regular type of vacation where I felt refreshed afterwards (still, it was better than if I had to do the cycle while working). Last night was the opening night of the Bermuda Tattoo, made all the more stressful because work is nuts due to the Int'l summit we're putting on next week and keeping up with my mom's progress. I just need a vacation where I can do nothing but vegetate!

My mom is doing well and is so overjoyed to have been blessed this way. She will probably be in Boston for 3-4 weeks. I am so happy that her quality of life will improve. Sure, we proved this summer that it is possible to have a lovely vacation and undergo dialysis treatments but having to be attached to a machine for 4 hours 3 times a week is tough. I pray that I will not progress to that stage... Still, my mom is an inspiration to me and I am so happy for her.

As for everything else, I am waiting for AF. I think I will do a detox afterwards to get back to normal before surgery. We've sent our paperwork to Norway and got some positive feedback - it looks like we will give them a go next year. With that out of the way, I want to just get back into proper eating and exercise and getting ready for the holiday season (Christmas Card Making Party on Nov 7th!).

I Am So Thankful...

Yesterday morning I got a call from my mom. She was crying like mad and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I was afraid that something had happened to my dad or brother. Then she said she had to fly out that morning and that they had found a kidney for her. She was crying out of happiness and relief. She's been on the transplant list for 4 years and she got that absolutely amazing call!

So she flew out around lunchtime and the surgery took place yesterday afternoon/evening. They called my dad after midnight to say that all went well and that she was in recovery. My dad is flying up to Boston on Friday because they couldn't get him out with her yesterday. My brother will be going up from Florida. I have to hold the fort...

I was a basket case yesterday. I am now a bit calmer but still a bit crazed in need of more info. I am so thankful that she is ok and that someone's loved one will be able to live on through my mom. Thanks for the prayers and wonderful throughts. I truly appreciate them.

I may have to play catch-up on ICLW because I'm not really concentrating very well at the moment....

October ICLW - Thanks for Coming to Visit!

Welcome from Bermuda. It's a wonderful fall for us - in the 70s with lowish humidity. I'm preparing to dance at a military tattoo this week so I apologise if I don't get to play catch-up until Sunday when it will all be over!

Here's a little bit about my world:

Me - 35, independent consultant and dancer, 5+ years into a doctoral program in management (in the process of changing the methodology to simplify the study and finish...), dx with polycyctic kidney disease (not affecting fertility) and fibroids (apparently affecting fertility). I love MGM Musicals, theatre, Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Audrey Hepburn, Doctor Who, Torchwood, Star Wars, Star Trek and dancing.

DH - 37, engineer, clairinet player and bagpiper, dx high prolactin levels and low motility. He loves marching and pipe bands, theatre, suspense novels, strategy games and good BBC programming.

Our Life - met in 1999 or 2000 (depends on who you speak to), dating in 2001, engaged in 2005, married in 2006 and began TTCing in 2007. I'm having the Da Vinci robotic fibroid removal surgery on Dec 9th so we're on a TTC break until June 2010.

Other stuff - we have 2 cats and 2 dogs (CKCSs). We love to travel (it happens when you're stuck on a 21 square mile Island). We love Broadway and West End Shows. We both enjoy being onstage performing or backsage making the show happen. We're planners and that probably makes this whole IF thing suck royally.

What we're doing to get by - We started increasing our communication with each other after I had an emotional explosion in December 2007 over an unsuccessful cycle. Since December 08 we've stopped putting our energy into TTCing and started putting it into getting healthier and spending quality time together. This year we've walked the equivalent of a marathon and ran a half-marathon. We've adopted healthy eating habits and are doing acupuncture. We did our first IVF cycle in Zlin in the Czech Republic (we did not miss out on our annual vacation). We're considering doing IVF #2 in Norway next in June or September 2010 once I've healed from the fibroid removal surgery.

Other than that, we're looking forward to the holiday season.

The last two ICLW months were bad for me and I needed a break. I am looking forward to visiting everyone this month!

A World To Consider....

As a follow-up to the last paragraph of yesterday's post, when I told Aidan that our doctor had left the clinic, we had a long discussion about the three options that I mentioned. We agreed that we really liked our doctor and we really liked the clinic. We also discussed why he is said to have left - the clinic getting too large, scheduling issues, loss of that personal touch. From our perspective we did not feel this way other than our waits for the first two visits (better than waits we've had elsewhere though...). Others who have cycled there in 2007 and 2008 said that it is much busier than the past. We therefore aren't fussed about having another doctor assigned but thought it would be ok to take the opportunity to consider other options.

First I looked to see if our doctor had joined another clinic elsewhere. It's early days and his name has not shown up anywhere yet. So, I then moved on to looking at clinics in Prague and Brno because they are easy to travel to. There are a few options where people have cycled and have made good comments. We both wouldn't have trouble securing acupuncture services but both are cities and Prague is very touristy (we both preferred the homey feel of Zlin). So while an option, I do not know if we would seriously pursue something like that.

I then looked at Boston and the cost to cycle with the doctor doing my fibroid removal (she's an RE with quite a few papers under her belt). We discussed our desire to pay for a multi-cycle package (and whether we can afford it), the cost of medications, the need to fly back and forth and the related stress. It would be doable but finding the money to purchase a package would be somewhat difficult.

We then looked to see where people in the UK go after they are not covered under NHS anymore (or if they don't want to wait for an appointment) and found a place in Norway. Aidan was interested in exploring this option because he loves Norway (he's been there twice) and has wanted to take me there for years. This option looks promising. It requires a consult visit and meds are purchased in the UK but then you begin the cycle at home and report on 10 days in. This is the option we were hoping for previously because it means we only have to be there for 7-10 days. In addition to providing past records and info on previous cycles, they do a full fertility work-up on both partners during the consult and will create an individualized protocol that meets the couple's needs. They are a small clinic, do about 400 cycles a year and I have found a board where people actively discuss the location. We agreed to compile a file on this option and then do an in depth comparison after I am done with the fibroid surgery. It's an exciting option and would take us on another 'vacation'!

Busy Weekend in the Kitchen

I had a busy weekend. I thought it would be a little hectic but it turned out worse than expected because we decided to invite family up for dinner on Sunday and ended up with 7 guests.

Saturday was totally nuts! Aidan had to be the piper for 2 weddings, one at 10am and the second at 4pm (with the reception at 5.30). Thankfully, I slept in when he left to go to the first wedding (I think he left at 9 or something because he had to warm up his pipes away from the church). Since he had the car, I had to catch the bus into Hamilton. Unfortunately, I don't really know the bus schedule so I caught the wrong one and had to walk to the office. No one was there to let me in so I went to the Botanical Gardens for the SPCA Fair. I saw a few friends and their dogs and then got a call that the office was open. I only was in the office for about 45 minutes. Aidan picked me up and we went back to the Fair, had some lunch and he dropped me off at dance class #1.

The class was for our younger dancers and barring a parent incident, the class went very well. We then loaded the kids in various cars and went to dance class #2 on a school field. There we met up with the older dancers and ran through the two dances that we're doing for the Tattoo next week. By this time Aidan was well into wedding #2 and I had to get home. Thankfully I got a lift with two of my dancers. I literally walked into the house, sat down with QVC on and in seconds I was asleep. Aidan woke me up when he got in. We cleaned up, ran out to the store because we had extended the dinner invitation and managed to put the chicken in the brine solution before going to bed.

On Sunday I wanted to prepare the dogs for a party that they were invited to (a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel get together). I clipped them (mangled their paws though), bathed them and dried them. Then I started on dinner. At 1.30 (we were making 2pm), I was still cooking. At 4pm, I was still cooking. At 6pm, I was still cooking. Yeah, it was an all day affair. I made food for the dinner but I also made food for our Dec 19th party (to freeze). By the time our guests had arrived, I had the following on the table: carved roast chicken, sage sausage stuffing, sage gravy, lemon meringue pies (from scratch), pumpkin soup, chicken & lentil soup (using the chicken rack), pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, praline cookies, mini peanut butter cup cookies.

Dinner went really well and everyone ate their fill. The great thing was that once we cleaned up, my kitchen and dining room are pretty much ready for Saturday's jewelry making party! Granted, I haven't figured out the food for that one yet... maybe pizza... that's easy!

So now I'm back in Tattoo mode (ordered back-up uniforms), Summit mode (Oct 29 - Nov 4) and Master Class mode (planning Nov, Dec, Jan & Feb classes at the moment). It's a little insane but I am looking forward to resting between Nov 5 and 19... and then the next wave starts before surgery.

Oh, I did get some bad news today. My doctor in CZ has left the clinic. I've been notified but they probably won't give me a new doctor until I make arrangements for the next cycle. So I don't know whether (i) we find out where he goes and continue to see him (I really like how thorough he was), (ii) use the doctor that they give me (apparently a new female doctor has joined the clinic) or (iii) take this opportunity to explore other options (like Prague, Brno, another country... Aidan isn't hot on the Mumbai option though).

Not for the Fainthearted

I have received confirmation that surgery is scheduled for Dec 9th and that I need to arrive at the hospital for 9am on Dec 8th for the pre-op appointment. We can now book our flights and the International office will arrange to pick us up from the airport and take us to our hotel. It's nice to have this arranges but it is also somewhat surreal to have this move so quickly after a year and a bit of nothing happening.

I also received a link to watch the type of surgery that I will have. They wanted me to see the versatility of the robotic arms in the surgery. At first I didn't want to watch it but I decided that I did want to know what would happen - the same way that I surfed youtube for IVF videos before we went through that process. If you're interested you can see the video here. Believe me, it is not for the fainthearted. Still, after seeing my 'gut full of rocks' last Friday, it's kind of comforting to see how they get them out. The sewing part makes my skin crawl though.

I've also been visiting a very useful blog where many people have shared their fibroid removal experiences. I've been focusing on the post-op section and it is good to get information on those first few days and weeks post surgery. It looks like gas will be the toughest part of recovery in the first few days - I really need to look into getting some gas-x because I am gassy even without having my tummy blown up with CO2.

Back to our regularly scheduled programme...

I caught the ferry in to work today because I had an early meeting. I don't catch the ferry often because we usually need the car during the day and I like talking with Aidan on the ride in. Therefore, when I do catch the ferry I do things like read, organize my calendar, etc. Today I read a book - and in the midst of reading I got to thinking about whether life will 'get back to normal' during this 9 month TTC break.

I've thought more about what is 'normal' since the ride this morning. I know that I haven't felt all that normal recently, but was I (or were we) normal before we started trying to expand our family. I think back to our non-ttc days and we just seemed busy. It was actually at that point where some of our traditions (weekly lunches, weekly dinner out) fell off of the schedule. I think further back to dating times and the focus was on getting married, getting a house, getting settled, etc. So perhaps we need to create normal from scratch from all of the lovely elements that we miss from getting too stressed from life in general.

A friend of mine said recently that she loves when Aidan and I open our house to friends for parties because they get a glimpse of the kind of homelife that she'd like. The comment made me smile but I also realize that the snapshot that friends get is so limited a view of what our homelife is really like. That snapshot does show me aspects of what is 'normal' for us though. We're a great team and work very well together. We work as partners and use our skills accordingly. We like to make things fun. We like to learn and share new things. Perhaps those are other elements we integrate into this 'getting back to normal' endeavor. I don't think we've lost this attributes so it's more of a matter of reinforcing them for use in stressful times.

So back to normal starts tonight as we're off to the theatre to enjoy 'Oliver'. Publish Post

Visit to Yet Another Doctor....

I continued my doctor-filled life today by visiting my nephrologist. I really like my nephrologist. He's a very straightforward kind of guy who actually explains what things mean and he actually points me towards other resources for information. I guess he's the perfect doctor to have when what you're being treated for is so important to your quality of life. I mean, he's not my buddy but I can talk to him about what is going on medically and get good advice... KWIM.

Anyhow, I had a good weigh-in (my weight has finally stabilized, I hope) but my blood pressure was up. That wasn't a surprise though because of the stress of the cycle, fibroids, etc. We got the important stuff out of the way next. My kidney function hasn't changed and it is still in the good range. I breathed a sigh of relief from that one. Then I updated him on the cycle and the subsequent fibroid situation. We then reviewed the rest of my test results. My cholesterol was up (again, no surprise because I've been eating horribly post-cycle - I blame minor depression) and thankfully since I cannot cycle until next June, I've been put on Li.pitor for the time being. Sure, I'll also correct my diet but it makes me feel a bit better about getting it under control. He also upped my blood pressure meds. He thinks the rise is stress related and with surgery coming up and another cycle a year away, he wants to have better control of it during stressful these stressful periods.

Before we finished, we talked about the high risk OB situation here on the Island. He's going to look into it because there is a strong possibility that my OB will end up being in Boston - along with the birth.... that'll be a PITA but whatever it takes. So all in all, it was an excellent visit and I am now on visits every 3 months instead of 6 because of the surgery, etc.

Aidan had an impromptu visit with his urologist yesterday. He was doing a site inspection in an operation room at the hospital and his urologist was there. So they discussed the recent IVF cycle, the fibroids and our future plans while standing their in their operating room gear - odd but effective. So his urologist gave thought we were making good progress and said he'll get an update on how my surgery went when they meet at year's end or in the new year. Perhaps the cheapest urologist visit ever!!!

Outside of that, the fall is in full swing. I've planned my house parties leading up to Christmas and now I need to get online and order some supplies from Orie.ntal Tra.ding. I have a strategy for soup and cookie making for the Dec Open House because there is no way that I'll want to bake up a storm when I get home on the 16th. Now I need to sort out one of my client schedules, and my dissertation writing schedule and I should be set!

Back home... for 2 months and 2 days...

It's been a whirlwind weekend and a busy day but I am home (can't wait to kit my tempurpedic mattress tonight!). I had such a great time in Boston. Sure, my next trip back won't be as fun, and I'll definitely be more nervous. Still, it will be good to be in a familiar place for the surgery and early recovery.

While we both felt more like our old selves for most of the weekend as we met up with good friends and old friends, there are so many other memories that Boston has for us. We celebrated our first anniversary in Boston and it also marked the end of our 'test cycle'. We literally bought out Walgreens, stocking up on ovulation and pregnancy tests. At the airport I remember purchasing Fit Pregnancy and we read it together once we got home. 6 months later we were back in Boston to participate in the St. Patrick's Day parade. It was the time when I was going through an apparent chemical pregnancy. It was also the first indication of what would eventually be diagnosed as a fibroid 3 months later because I spotted for 5 days after the end of my period. And now Boston will figure into another major phase of our journey as we have the fibroids removed and will probably see us many times once we're pregnant since I'll be high risk and we currently have no high risks OBs here.

So the ride home was full of reflection and forward thought. And now, I'm feeling mellow again. I can't wait to get into the next two months of activities (I say that now...). Sometimes weekend getaways are the best!!!

Boston's Wonderful

Strangely enough, after feeling so cruddy for so long, a short visit to an amazing city has been the most revitalizing thing we could do. Sure, we're still tired and have a lot on our plates but we actually feel like ourselves. We're actually acting like ourselves again. We needed this.

So we're back to our regular lives on Monday evening. I hope we can carry this feeling back home and through  the coming months.

Surgery Scheduled

Talk about a whirlwind day. I barely slept last night because I was pretty nervous about today's appointment. We woke up pretty early, had breakfast in the lobby and boarded the free hotel shuttle to the hospital. There, we checked in at the international office. I received my patient card and we were walked up to the Center for Reproductive Medicine. There I filled out forms, was weighed and measured and then waited with all of the other couples.

We were finally called back and met the doctor. She was lovely - very thorough. We reviewed the records my doctor sent her and then I gave her the copies of everything we had. We reviewed the MRI scans and also reviewed the last IVF cycle. Her thoughts were beneficial to my peace of mind. I have at least 5 large fibroids - three are between 5-7.5 cm and 2 are between 2-3 cm. There are also smaller ones that she'll review in preparation for the surgery. 2 of the fibroids (the 5cm intermural one and the 7.5cm subserosal one) and possibly  the two smaller ones probably have been adversely affecting my fertility. She believes we had an excellent IVF cycle and was happy with the fertility report and said we probably would have been successful without the fibroids. She said that she understands why I had to go through a cycle to get the referral and thinks that the information will be useful for cycle 2. I then had and exam to see if I can have the robotic surgery and thankfully I passed!

So, I have to fly back to Boston on Dec 7, have surgery on Dec 9 (with an overnight stay) and fly back home on Dec16. I will not be allowed to drive for 3 weeks, dance for a few months and TTC for 6 months after surgery. When we got back to the hotel, we booked the Sheraton Boston for December. Just need to book Delta.

Boy, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...

Beta Result - Finally...

I received the beta result this morning - a week and a half after having the blood drawn and almost 2 weeks after I started bleeding consistently. No surprises - hcg was .11 so there is no question - I am not pregnant (which is great news due to that nasty contrast dye that I was injected with on Monday). I need to send the scanned copy for my CZ file and then IVF #1 is done.

So tomorrow we head to Boston. They've received my records from my GP at Brigham and Women's so they're looking forward to seeing the MRI scans. In the meantime, Aidan went to acupuncture yesterday and didn't even grumble about it! I guess we're making progress...

We have been researching hotels for our stay in December. Thanks to insight from a few friends, we're leaning towards staying at the Sheraton that's connected to the Prudential Center. Not only does it have comfortable beds that would be great for recovery, I also won't have to venture out in the cold to walk around the stores (apparently they want me up and walking about asap). So we've found some great rates thus far - we just need the surgery and follow-up dates so we can book everything.

MRI - check

I went this morning for the pelvic MRI. It's the second time I've had a MRI. The first was for my knee in 2007. I therefore had to fill out forms with my new insurance information. I didn't have much of a wait after doing that. They had me put on a set of blue hospital shorts over my underwear and strapped my pelvis onto the bed. It was freezing in the room (thanks Aidan for designing a really efficient AC system for them...) so they covered me with a blanket to keep me warm. They could not find BBC World Service on the radio so the headphones played easy listening from the 70s - today.

The examination took 1 hour and 30 minutes. The first hour was pretty simple. I zoned out on occasion but I did not go to sleep like I did with the knee MRI. I thought through a lot of stuff - work related, school, life. I thought a lot about my childhood for some reason. Perhaps it was me thinking of simpler days... in any case I thought about stuff I had forgotten about. The last 30 minutes required that I be injected with contrast dye. The needle wasn't bad but the dye was so cold. I felt it go through my hand and arm and soon I felt cold. It was an odd sensation (I didn't have to do the contrast dye for the knee so it was definitely a new experience). I could not relax when I went back into the machine - I was so tense. I did not move but I could feel that my thigh muscles were keeping my feet raised off of the bed. I don't know if it was the cold or fear or what.... it was odd.

When the procedure was completed I changed and had to wait for the disk. Yes, I tried to take a look but the computer here won't install the software. I may try to take a look at home tonight. So now I need to update Brigham & Womens with our arrival time on Thursday, our hotel and that we have the scans on CD. IN the meantime, I'm a tad itchy but it's not bad.

Had to Take a Breather...

It's been an interesting week. We still do not have beta results. I am in the midst of the worst period of my life. I've stopped the hormones and this is my first headache free day (sorta). I can't focus on work for more than an hour at a time. I had to admit this week that I let infertility take over my life.

Yeah, I was sitting at my anniversary dinner, miserable as hell and it hit me. My life at this moment has been designed by us dealing with infertility. I told Aidan this. We had maybe the toughest conversation about our relationship to date. I've been changing around everything - work (to consulting), school (haven't written a thing - will probably end up ABD) and home (you should see my vitamin supplement drawer) - while Aidan has been subconsciously ignoring it. In the meantime, our us time has diminished and when we do have us time 75% focuses on trying to get pg (our diet, exercising together, reading books and sites, the acupressure, etc). This wasn't a problem a year ago when we were trying to get our heads around the situation. A year later, it's a little dysfunctional.  We cam to agree that we need to retake our lives. Sure, the infertility struggle won't go away but we need to refocus attention on us, and not solely on this kid that isn't here yet. So back to our weekly lunches, Thursday dinners out, reading the comics together, doing the crossword. It's sad that we actually got away from that.

With that sorted, other than feeling physically and mentally drained, I feel better about things. I'm looking forward to the fall and holiday season. I find it revitalizing. Sure, it is going to be so busy but since I won't be thinking about TTC until April 2010 at the earliest, I get to just enjoy Aidan and our home and the animals for a while. I can't wait to start baking - what I would give for gingerbread men and oatmeal cookies right now, fresh from my oven. I need to start cleaning the house for my card-making and jewelry making sessions leading up to Christmas. And then there's our annual open house on Dec 19th. Sure, I will hopefully be recovering from surgery during the time of the party but since I'm having it catered (mostly) this year, who cares if I am on the couch for most of the day.

So I'm back and in a better state of mind at the moment. Not sure if it will be a lasting calm and also not sure how we'll deal with any other curve balls. But we're getting through this together and even through we're less optimistic than before, we still know that someday we'll be parents.

Beta Day... but no results yet

Today was beta day. Aidan and I drove in this morning in semi silence. We listened to the new Dan Brown book on the Kindle. That was good because I really wasn't in a mood to talk. In fact, I felt like crap. Anyhow, we got to the clinic, handed in the form and waited. I was called up and asked if I wanted to stay because they could give me the quick qualitative result if I wanted it. I actually said to her 'no - it'll be negative anyway'. I felt bad after saying that. Anyhow, I got called back, they stabbed me, taped me up and said they'd fax the results to my doctor when they came in.

We left the clinic and as we discussed plans for tomorrow I just started crying. It was such an anticlimactic end to something that I was so positive about. Aidan said that we are on the path to sorting all of this out and we just need to keep going. Good point.... just need to get through this rough patch.

So, I spent the day sorting out my schedule, work, Christmas list, etc. It was nice to be busy, to ignore my period that is still trying to start. I worked on our calendar from Oct-Jan and started thinking about what the next 4 months will contain. I visited a fibroids site over the weekend and when I looked at December I wondered what the Christmas season will bring. Apparently while the Da Vinci surgery will have me in and out of the hospital, the day of and day after surgery are going to be the worst pain days. I'm thinking I'll have to spend a week in Boston, maybe a little more. I hope by the end of it I'll be ok to see the Christmas tree before we fly home.

Anyhow, I'm felling much better tonight. My gut doesn't really but my head feels pretty good. Sure, I know I have to deal with the results call tomorrow but it's one more step towards achieving our goal, right. In the meantime, I have a 3rd wedding anniversary to celebrate tomorrow!!!!!

Trying to Get Back to Normal... Whatever That Is...

It's been a strange weekend. After Friday's bawl-fest I felt drained on Saturday morning. I went to my monthly hair appointment with my new hairdresser and was on the verge of tears twice through just listening to other people's conversations in the salon. Thankfully, I had my eyebrows threaded before I had my hair done (OMG, it hurt like hell) so I was a bit weepy from that so the red eyes weren't that bad. After the appointment, Aidan and I did a little shopping. I got a more potent bone restore supplement just in case I end up on lupron to shrink the fibroid before surgery (I hope not... I am feeling awful enough on the estrogen and progesterone at the moment...). We had a lovely lunch and everything felt ok. And that's how it went for the rest of the day. It almost felt like a normal day - until we watched tv in the evening. That's when I started bristling at pregnancy and babies on the tv shows. I was so mad at myself. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to shut down even more of my life avoiding anything that hints of pregnancy, birth or kids. 

I had fitful dreams due to my anger at myself. I never really relaxed. It's like I was debating with myself all night how to get on with life. One side wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong and the other side wanted to save face and emotions. I woke up in the middle of the night confused, feeling those bloody symptoms that are obviously progesterone side effects and feeling pretty lost. When I finally settled in again I dreamed about  the embryos that were made out of me and Aidan. At first, it felt good to know that we had managed to create something together. Then it hit me that we'd never see what the result of that fusion would become. I dreamed that we ran away from our lives due to that. We purchased a house in the US, moved away from our families and started to build a new life. 

I woke up really dissatisfied. I don't want to run away from life or family. Yes, I'd like to get on with our lives but I know that that means dealing with all that life has to offer. I don't know how to deal with it yet as the disappointment is still fresh but we must deal with it. I cannot keep immersing myself in projects to avoid life... I need to figure out how to get back to living. I also need to relax. We need to relax. We both need to cut back on our activities and just enjoy being at home a bit.

I don't get to see my therapist until October. She's helped me so much in the last 12 months and I know working through these emotions and feelings will allow me to get to know more about myself. In the meantime, Aidan and I continue talking. This process continues to bring us closer together. It's a wonderful side effect of a crazy set of circumstances.

IN any case, I need to get through a family birthday party today. I have no desire to interact with anyone yet but I have no choice... I pray I can hold it together.

IVF #1 was interesting...

Well, I started bleeding yesterday afternoon. Not a lot but it was brown, then red. Stopped when I took the estrogen in the evening but not before I took 2 HPTs, both negative. Needless to say, it was a tough night. Tested again this morning. Another negative. Doesn't feel like it did last night. So this cycle's pretty much over except for the beta.

Aidan and I have talked a lot. We're glad we did it the way we did this cycle and barring the desire for Brigham & Women's to have us do a cycle there after the fibroid removal , we'll be in CZ this time next year. Aidan is also going to go back to acupuncture and continue to work on lowering his prolactin level and improving his sperm count. We are also looking at planning CZ better next year to ensure that I get acupuncture treatment, which possibly means staying in Luhacovice around treatment time. We also discussed spending our time between appointments flying out of Brno to see other countries because our weekend getaways were really relaxing for me and got my mind off of the process.

I really want to thank everyone for their support during this cycle. While it was a physical and emotional rollercoaster, it was extremely positive and I have lovely memories - from the vacation itself and your wonderful comments.

Needless to say, I'll still be here - probably talking about how they remove a fibroid that is 3/4 of the size of my uterus! I am grateful for this medium to share and vent and I know that one day I will get to share some amazing news in here.

Not Much Going On...

Well, I'm about to start my last weekend of blissful ignorance. I can't bring myself to do an HPT and I am unnerved that we'll get the beta results on our anniversary on Tuesday. I am trying to mentally prepare for either result but I just don't know how I will take it. Yes, I feel better that I have a plan for a negative but since I have been so emotional in the last 2 weeks, I don't want to even imagine what a low would feel like.

As for how I feel, I'm better. The headaches are a bit less than earlier this week. The BBs are still a little sore and I'm not used to the size. I had some spotting when I put in the progesterone gel earlier this week (old blood) so, of course, it made me hopeful. I've had some mild cramping. All of this (except for the larger BBs - that's definitely the hormones) could be PMS so I have not really paid attention to any of it. I've just tried to get our house back in order and spend some time with Aidan before his schedule ramps up again.

Speaking of schedules, next week is the week we're usually away on vacation (and hopefully will be again in future years). Our anniversary is on Tuesday this year and hopefully we'll go out to dinner depending on our state of mind. Aidan's b-day is Friday but he will be doing a weekend Regiment camp so we won't get to do anything. Somehow I need to make both days special but with work and meetings and Aidan being away, it's going to be tough.

On the positive side, we're leaving for Boston on Oct 1 and I did get the appointment with the fibroid specialist on Oct 2. I can't wait to see friends, do some Christmas shopping (need to work on my list) and see  one of my favorite cities in the world!!!

More Fibroid Removal Planning...

So, after a year of being uncomfortable with the knowledge that I have this fibroid, I am finally doing something about it. Granted, it may be the early stages of planning for its removal but at least the ball is rolling. I contacted the internal coordinator this morning and this afternoon I have a doctor willing to see me at Brigham & Women's on Oct 5th. I'm trying to get in on the 2nd (I am supposed to fly home on the 5th) but I'll change my flight back if necessary. I have to do a pelvic MRI before hand and my doctor has managed to schedule me for one on Sept 28th!

So now I just need to see if I can proceed with treatment sooner or later - and I'll know that sometime next week after Monday's beta. Aidan and I had a short conversation about it and we may therefore do round two of IVF (if necessary) in a year.....

We're Home!

It's good to be back in our own bed - having a tempurpedic mattress does that to you. Everything now needs to be organized, suitcases unpacked and laundry washed. Work is also a mess with tons of emails, meetings and papers all over my desk. And I am moving like a snail because I feel like crap. I am a physical and emotional wreck. If I didn't have acupuncture yesterday, I never would have made it though the day. My head hurts so much that I went home and went straight to bed after dinner.

Now, with the finish line in view (beta scheduled for Monday), I am really hating this process. I still believe that going to the Czech Republic was brilliant. I doubt I would have been as calm as I was if I was working and flying back and forth to the US for appointments. Still, if this doesn't work, it's not like I can find another 3 weeks that easily.... plus I need to have a fibroid removed before I go back and will need to go to the US for laproscopic surgery. I hate that the whole process is a gamble. We've put our lives on hold to be able to do all of this. I'm just tired - emotional and tired.

In any case, I have contacted the patient liaison for Brigham and Women's about fibroid removal. I hate not having any contingencies. Since we have to go to Boston next month, it would be good to get in to see a doctor. Not that I've given up on this cycle yet.... It just hasn't set well with me that I could have had it removed a year ago and could have been in better condition for this IVF cycle. Since another IVF cycle won't be until 2010 - and possibly next September if recovery from surgery takes 3-6 months (and looking at our calendars), it is better to get the information now.

Thanks everyone for your support through this process thus far. You've all been invaluable support!

Off to London

We're going to London a day early. A day and a half of bed rest turned me crazy. Yesterday was my first day back out-of-doors and I really had no interest in figuring out what to visit next. At least in London I can just go on autopilot and not think. So today we're driving to Vienna to catch an Aer Lingus flight to London Gatwick.

Other than that, not much going on. I've read everything that could be read about this stage of the process. At moments it's comforting and other times the info is paranoia inducing. I'm positive yet careful..... I just want to not think about any of this anymore...

Cycle Day 20 - Transfer Day

We started the day as usual - breakfast and then relaxing in our room. I then had a massage appointment at10am. I had a Thai full body massage for 90 minutes. Believe me, it was heaven. With the knots gone for the moment, we then went and had lunch as we were making 12.30 at the clinic.

Once we checked in, we then had to meet with the embryologist. We had 2 grade 1 expanding blasts, 1 grade 2 early blast, 2 grade 3 (can't remember what), 3 morulas and 4 eight-celled embryos. We decided to transfer the 2 expanding blasts. We discussed freezing the grade 2 & 3's but ultimately decided not to freeze anything. I took that a bit hard since that was my contingency plan gone....

Anyhow, we then went to prepare for transfer. I listed to my visualization cd to get my mind back on track. I was prepped and we were shown the expanding blasts on the screen. Both of us were smiling at that. I then had to lay back as the doctor described what was going on. Aidan watched the blasts being readied for the transfer. They did an ultrasound guided transfer and it was over in seconds. The nurse and the doctor got me arranged on the bed with my legs up and I was taken back to the room. I then had 45 minutes to relax. I listened to the visualization cd and a little Frank Sinatra.

We stopped by the pharmacy to pick up supplies on our way out and I am now on bed rest for 24 hours. I plan a Ballykissangel marathon and hopefully will get to start watching Firefly.

Cycle Day 19 - Day Before Transfer

I am scared. There is no other way to describe it. I am on the verge of the possibility of a life changing moment and I am freaking scared!!!!!

This weekend we went to Vienna to keep our minds off of everything. We didn't want updates on the embryos. We didn't want to sit around saying 'what if'. We drove from the Czech Republic to Austria, played tourist and for a few hours didn't think about it.... much. I've been a monster, you see. I've been snappy to my mom and husband and I feel bad about it. It's partially me feeling anxious... and scared.

Due to this we made our way to church today in Austria. We went to the 9.30 Mass at St. Stephen's - in German. And my German sucks. Still, even with me doing the responses in English - and loving the choir who did the Hayden Mass - I was able to calm myself somewhat. It wasn't meditating as much as stillness. I needed it. It didn't last long though - I was snappy at the Art History Museum.

 I hope I'll be back to my optimistic self tomorrow. I'm not as sore as last week. My right ovary still aches a bit but it is nothing like it had been. I am soooo bloated ans my profile is not something that I am used to. Still, I am excited about this - and grateful that we have embryos that are made up out of the two of us growing at the clinic. So I am excited, and hopeful and scared....

Cycle Day 16: Fertilization Report

Here are the details:

19 eggs retrieved
14 mature
14 ICSIed
12 fertilized (currently 1 celled embryos)

Transfer is scheduled for 1pm on Monday, September 7th.

Cycle Day 15: Retrieval Day

I was a mess last night. I was freaking out that I'd ovulate before the procedure, that I'd twisted an ovary with the walking through the caves on Tuesday (I was soooo bloated), that there would be nothing in the follicles. After Aidan did the assigned acupressure points, he did the happy spot on the top of my head to calm me down. Boy did it work. We watched 2 episodes of season 5 (I think) of Ballykissangel with him pressing the spot on my head. I slept like a baby and only work up once during the night.

This morning Aidan had cereal in our room as I could not eat or drink before the procedure. We headed out at 7.15 to check-in at 7.30 on the third floor of the clinic. They took our paperwork and took us back to our room. It was a room for 4, painted a golden yellow with Anne Geddes prints on the wall. The beds had brightly coloured pillows and comforters. My bed had a window that looked out on the forest. I was asked to change into my pajamas (a long top in my case) and I climbed in bed to read while I waited.

At 8am they took Aidan to do his part (he said the room was well furnished - posters, magazines and DVD player already loaded) and at 8.20 or so I was walked across the hall to the procedure room. It was bright and modern and well equipped. They got me settled and my doctor was cheery and said it would be a quick procedure. The anesthesiologist was quick and I was out in moments. When I awoke they transferred me to my bed covered me with the comforter and told me to rest. Aidan was in the room when I got back.

I was in some pain. My right ovary, who had been playing hide-n-seek during each u/s was throbbing. I did the guided visualization exercise for the time between retrieval and transfer and was able to breather through most of the soreness but that ovary was driving me nuts. Aidan did the happy spot on my head for a while and I zoned out for about an hour or so, napping and such. The doctor came in to tell us that he had retrieved 19 eggs and that the embryologist would be down shortly to talk about Aidan's sample. He was also going to check to see if everything was ok and decide whether I needed the shot of pain medication.

The embryologist was very nice and said that the eggs were good quality but the sperm sample made her decide to use ICSI. She said they would begin the process at 12 noon and for us to call our coordinator, Petra, tomorrow at 1pm to see how many fertilized. We'd talk later about freezing because we had already decided that we'll transfer 2 embryos in a 5 day transfer on Monday, Sept 7.

We were then visited a few more times by the nurses and my doctor. My examination went well and I was then given the pain meds injection on my Bottom. Boy, did that sting. It smarted for a while and then it was fine. I dressed slowly and then after checking out we went to the pharmacy to get the progesterone gel suppositories that I'll be using instead of PIO (they don't want to take any risks with my allergies).

The rest of the day I took it slow and napped a lot. I wanted McDonalds for lunch so Aidan and my mom made it happen.  I'm still a bit sore but I feel much better than I did earlier. Thanks everyone for the kind words. I truly appreciate it and you bring a smile to my face often. The next few days are a numbers game and, yes, we've started a Novena to St. Gerard because we need all the help we can get... :)

She's OK

Hi - It's Aidan. Marisa asked that I come online to say that she's ok. She was in pain when she woke up from the procedure so they gave her a shot of pain medication. They retrieved 19 eggs and ICSI took place at 12 noon Czech time. We'll be told at 1pm tomorrow how many embryos have resulted.

Cycle Day 13 - Day 11 of Stims and Trigger Night

I was more than a little paranoid going to today's appointment. I was so bloated that I was thanking God that I brought all elastic waistband and drawstring pants on the trip, save one pair of low rise jeans. I did not have to have blood drawn so we had to be there for 10am. The waiting room was crowded but we only had a half-hour wait. Aidan played on his DS while I read an english language issue of Hello magazine that someone had left in the waiting room.

The u/s was good. We counted 17-18 follicles that were measuring at 18-20mm. There might be one or two more as my right ovary didn't want to cooperate. Both ovaries are about 7cm in diameter at the moment. That explains why I feel so bloated. My endometrium was considered optimal.

I was given a reduced amount of Gonal F and the last Ganirelix shot by the nurse. I was also given the HCG shot that we'll have to deliver tonight at 8.20pm. Retrieval is scheduled for 8.20am on Wednesday. Aidan has to check in at the same time for his sample. We'll be told the number of eggs retrieved at the clinic as I am required to stay for 1.5-2 hours afterwards to recover from the anesthetic. Our coordinator will tell us on Thursday how many fertilized. We're tentatively scheduled for Transfer next Monday at 1pm.

After the appointment I went to the thai massage place. I was scheduled for an hour long back massage. She started at my feet and worked her way to my head. It was amazing! The knots in my shoulders were a mess though and she has to use tiger balm to work them out. I can honestly say that I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I am scared to death about Wednesday but I am also feeling pretty positive about retrieval.

Cycle Day 12 - Day 10 of Stims

This is my "I feel like crap' post. I've had a headache throughout the last 10 days - some days it is a dull ache and some days it is a throbbing bass drum. I finally relented and went to have a Thai Head Massage on Friday and as I guessed, my neck and shoulders were knotted. It was the most hellish and most satisfying massage that I have ever had. I am going back tomorrow because I am just too tense.

I am also bloated like I have never been bloated. Yesterday, when we were in our amazing B&B room in Prague's Old Town, I felt fine about being bloated - in my drawstring pants I felt good and thought I looked good (great hair day, perhaps). This morning, after the Gonal F shot and a horrible Ganirelix shot that left a bruise, I just felt tired of it all. I hate feeling my ovaries right now. I used to relish being able to feel them during ovulation time. Now, it's old. They ache. Aidan says they're producing little hamster eggs. It was cute on day three of stims - it's not anymore.

I just want this process to be over and it's nowhere near finished. I am dreading each stage because I just want it to work. Sure, tomorrow I'll be my optimistic self and will see the whole experience as amazing. Right now, I think it's horrible to be going through this.... sigh.

Cycle Day 10 - Day 8 of Stims

Today's appointment went smoother than previous appointments. We arrived at 8am and I quickly was taken back for my blood test. We were in our doctor's office as soon as the results were available. The follicles were measuring between 14 & 16mm so I will probably have one last stim shot (lower dosage) on Aug 31 and the HCG shot that night at 8pm for retrieval on Sept 2. Transfer would be set for Sept 7th.

We discussed my intramural fibroid today. It has not grown due to the stims which is good. I've been put on extrimax because even though my endometrium growth is good thus far, he wants it to build up particularly in the area of the fibroid. He, like the RE in NJ, is fine with the fibroid but said that if I get pg this cycle, to have it removed once I give birth. He also advised to have it removed if I am not successful for peace of mind going through the next cycle, which I am fine with as well.

In any case, all is going well and I am contemplating making an appointment for a thai massage - I need to relax more.....

Cycle Day 7: Day 5 of Stims

The last few days have been interesting. I was pretty relaxed on Sunday when we visited Spilberk Castle in Bruno. Yesterday I was a mess. We visited the Zlin Zoo, Luhacovice and Uhersky Brod and while it was fascinating, I was getting more and more nervous about today's appointment. Aidan was not any better - when he posts on our vacation blog, you'll see how he was yesterday....

Anyhow, I slept relatively well last night. We have started watching True Blood so we saw two episodes before turning in and thankfully the second episode was pretty funny and helped with the feeling of stress. We got up this morning and the first thing that I did was put all of my meds in a little purple case that they gave me and then put that in my Lindos Bermudiana Shopping bag - It didn't make sense to my to carry everything in a plastic bag like I've seen everyone else do at the clinic. We went down and had breakfast and we're able to talk with Jenny & Issac again. We also met a couple from Japan.

We were making 9am and literally ran out of the door. At the bottom of the hill I realized that I left the meds - so we went back and somehow managed to get to the clinic at 9am. I had my blood test by 9.30 and then we sat and waited. We knew we'd have to wait 90 minutes for the test results and the clinic was busy as usual. We were prepared this time. Aidan had his DS and I read Women & Home (UK) and a Stephanie Plum novel (I'm on book 8).

When we were finally called I was ushered into the ultrasound room and Aidan was taken into the doctor's office. No hospital gowns here but I was warned - I had on a long sweater to cover my lower half when I ran from the bathroom to the table. My nervousness went away as the doctor showed me each ovary and began measuring the follicles. I dressed and went to the office. The doctor was telling Aidan that he was very happy with my response to the Gonal F. I had at least 16 follicles that he counted during the ultrasound and most were measuring at 8mm. Additionally, my estrogen levels were excellent. I have to continue theGonal F and then on Thursday I'll add Ganirelix. My next appointment is on Friday and he believes I'll be ready for retrieval on Tuesday.

So right now we're feeling pretty good and will hopefully be relaxed through Friday. My mom flies in on Thursday so we will be driving to Vienna to pick her up. Not looking forward to the second shot though... thankfully it is pre-prepared but the needle looks scarier - and the injection site will be my thigh.