Trying to Get Back to Normal... Whatever That Is...

It's been a strange weekend. After Friday's bawl-fest I felt drained on Saturday morning. I went to my monthly hair appointment with my new hairdresser and was on the verge of tears twice through just listening to other people's conversations in the salon. Thankfully, I had my eyebrows threaded before I had my hair done (OMG, it hurt like hell) so I was a bit weepy from that so the red eyes weren't that bad. After the appointment, Aidan and I did a little shopping. I got a more potent bone restore supplement just in case I end up on lupron to shrink the fibroid before surgery (I hope not... I am feeling awful enough on the estrogen and progesterone at the moment...). We had a lovely lunch and everything felt ok. And that's how it went for the rest of the day. It almost felt like a normal day - until we watched tv in the evening. That's when I started bristling at pregnancy and babies on the tv shows. I was so mad at myself. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to shut down even more of my life avoiding anything that hints of pregnancy, birth or kids. 

I had fitful dreams due to my anger at myself. I never really relaxed. It's like I was debating with myself all night how to get on with life. One side wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong and the other side wanted to save face and emotions. I woke up in the middle of the night confused, feeling those bloody symptoms that are obviously progesterone side effects and feeling pretty lost. When I finally settled in again I dreamed about  the embryos that were made out of me and Aidan. At first, it felt good to know that we had managed to create something together. Then it hit me that we'd never see what the result of that fusion would become. I dreamed that we ran away from our lives due to that. We purchased a house in the US, moved away from our families and started to build a new life. 

I woke up really dissatisfied. I don't want to run away from life or family. Yes, I'd like to get on with our lives but I know that that means dealing with all that life has to offer. I don't know how to deal with it yet as the disappointment is still fresh but we must deal with it. I cannot keep immersing myself in projects to avoid life... I need to figure out how to get back to living. I also need to relax. We need to relax. We both need to cut back on our activities and just enjoy being at home a bit.

I don't get to see my therapist until October. She's helped me so much in the last 12 months and I know working through these emotions and feelings will allow me to get to know more about myself. In the meantime, Aidan and I continue talking. This process continues to bring us closer together. It's a wonderful side effect of a crazy set of circumstances.

IN any case, I need to get through a family birthday party today. I have no desire to interact with anyone yet but I have no choice... I pray I can hold it together.