Limbo

The few days between Christmas and the end of the year are always like a sort of limbo. You know what you're aiming to do in the new year but you also are trying to enjoy the last moments of the current year. I've spent the last few days reflecting and thinking about 2009. There seem to be more possibilities open to me - to us in this coming year. strangely enough, the doubts are less than they usually are. Perhaps I am learning to trust my intuition again. We're intent on making 2009 special - and it is truly something that we have a role in making a reality.

Christmas Eve

This time last year I was a basket case. I was in the midst of AF after a cycle where we were so sure we had succeeded. We had a friend and a relative who were newly pg. I broke down in the car and DH had no idea how to console me. The episode resulted in us agreeing that we needed to talk through all of these emotions so we're not keeping them bottled up and waiting to explode. Little did we know that was training for a trying year.

This year I am on the verge of the rest of my life. I've lost myself not only during this year (and 17 cycles of TTC). I had lost myself before that. My gift to myself this year is to get back into doing the things that I love to do. It sounds easier than it will be to make a reality but I have to do this for myself. Top on that list is finishing the degree. The second relates to dancing (and teaching). And third is to do work that I am eager to get up to do in the morning - and I am on track to do that! In place number 4 is expanding our family. It is not a priority because I now know what happens when you let that guide your life....

Anyhow, I'm feeling grateful, blessed and full of Christmas Spirit right now. I feel at peace and that is more than I could have ever asked for!

I survived.....

This whole not getting pregnant thing has had a major downside - I have not been able to hold other people's babies in fear that I would become an emotional basketcase. there were points this summer where being around babies made me go into a panic attack - a condition that only used to happen at bridal and baby showers. I realized this weekend that I haven't held a baby since September 2006. Granted, I haven't had the opportunity to hold one between then and this summer but still, it is quite a bit of time.

Anyhow, I held a baby this weekend. Yes, I was nervous to do so when I picked up the baby but then the fear went away. The baby seemed fine so I was fine too. I had no baby cravings, the smell wasn't intoxicating (I've never had that experience ever...) and I didn't feel cheated out of motherhood. I just felt like I was holding a baby. Later, the baby slept on my chest and again it was ok. I don't know. It was like everything was calm that day.

Anyhow, we're looking at this cycle positively as usual. Christmas Day kicks off the season!

Cycle 17

So today I tested because.... well, I felt like it. And then 4 hours later AF began. It always seems to start on the day that I decide to test. So this month LP was about 12 or 13 if I oed around day 14. So we're now on to cycle 17.

I feel pretty good considering I am sick. I am looking forward to just relaxing during this cycle since there are holidays and vacation in the midst of it. Then it's on to the getting healthy period in preparation for the 1/2 marathon - I haven't talkted to DH about whether we should not TTC during this time. Then hopefully will be a great summer before we embark on Adventure 2009.... I still hope we're successful in our own right before then!

What's going on with the "Infertility Diaries"

I have been reading Redbook's online blogs for a few years starting with the 'Diary of V'. I don't care for the magazine but then again I don't care for many US magazines. I like the blog because it is realtime and they have different topics and an interesting mix of writers. I started reading the 'Infertility Diaries' earlier this year when it started to become obvious that I wasn't going to be pregnant in that 6 month window where you are still blissfully ignorant of everything else. I lurked for the longest time because I didn't even understand the treatments that many of the writers were going through. It was sad to read but then it was also sometimes comforting to know that I wasn't the only one confused by this infertility thing. It got me into reading other blogs and then books and by the time we sat down with the RE I had a good list of questions to ask, etc.

Anyhow, the 'Infertility Diaries' blog has graduates - and I love when that happens. I admit, when they first announce that the treatment has been a success I feel the way that I feel when a RL friend says that they are pg - that combination of panic, sadness and anger that months of BPNs develops in the pit of your stomach. But then I feel good - another person has gotten through the obstacle that no one seems to understand unless they've been through it. I often follow their separate pregnancy blogs and parenting blogs afterwards. Which is why I feel so bad for the current blogger. The comments to her pregnancy posts have been heated and are now pretty insulting. The general discussion appears two-fold a) whether she should be blogging since she is now pg (traditionally they blog through the first tri) and b) whether the blogger's pg posts are insensitive to those who are dealing with infertility. I think a lot has been taken out of context - the wonders of writing, I guess. Still, many great points have been made in those comments that make me ponder how inferfility begats bitterness. Yes, I find that I feel bitter more often than I used to when we were not TTC. Yes, my "why" questions over the last few months often border on angry. I don't want infertility to take over my life.... but sometimes I think it already has and I hate that feeling!

But why don't I feel anger towards this particular bogger. Maybe it is because I know that the infertility journey does not do a favor for anyone, no matter how long you have been going through it. I felt like About 6 months into this process I did not want friends who were keeping up with my cycle via fertility friend to tell me sorry when AF started. By the time of the first RE visit I stopped charting except for recording when AF began. I stopped ovulation tests once DH was put on the clomid and we were told to come back in December. Each phase was awful - all of it was awful. I would guess that each BFN was awful for the blogger as well. And I don't think I would like to read the blog if a first tri pg blogger was freaking out about m/c during every post. I think this is a tough grey area that I hope Redbook is able to sort out soon. I truly am finding the negative comments offputting.

Sick of Being Sick

On Saturday morning I felt great! I had energy, was focused and got a lot done. At about 2pm I took a nap. When I woke up, I was sick - congestion, cough, yuck! By Monday my voice was gone and I've spent the last few days miserable. I've been doing light workouts to get the congested chest moving (which seems to be working) but I am still sick. Such a PITA with Christmas 8 days away.

I read a book - a novel with an infertility theme. It was good until the rushed ending. Of course, in my cold medication-incuded haze and PMS (I'll know for sure on Fri/Sat) I began to over-analyze the last 14 months of my life. Have I lost my mind. Have I let TTC take over my life. Am I an emotional basket case? Does me not wanting to hold babies beam that I am selfish and self-absorbed. Does my DH think that this experience has made my irrational side surface. I know this all seems a bit excessive but there are times when I do feel that I've let this aspect of our lives take over. I may not have been bridezilla 2+ years ago but infertility seems to have made me into a person I don't know at times.

Impatient Already

It isn't even the new year and I am feeling impatient for the fall. I have been contemplating whether to add some cleanses to my fitness regimine after my next cycle and just take a break from TTC for a few months. I also am contemplating changing my eating habits during this time because I have been eating more meat and dairy than I really should. So many considerations when you give yourself a goal to work towards...

Something to work towards

We still haven't managed to talk to our RE but I have gotten some feedback from another RE. In a nutshell, we're probably going to have aggressive fertility treatment if luck isn't working for us. I wasn't that surprised. Even through DH was positive about the increased levels last week, the numbers are still quite a bit below normal. I now want to see what our RE recommends for "agressive treatment".

My Czech Republic research is going well. I have been receiving great information that will allow us to possibly plan our annual anniversary trip in September around treatment - and it will probably cost the same as our trip to Italy this year! I was referred to a message board and the stories and discussions are wonderful. I hope to glean as much information as possible to make plans for 'Adventure 2009'. DH loves the idea.

In the meantime we've both decided to sign-up for a 1/2 marathon in May. We both can stand to lose some weight and if we don't luck out before September, this will get us in decent physical shape for the fall. So we'll have two goals to focus on (among others).

Perhaps some next steps...

DH may get to speak to the RE today. He called to set up a time for the phonecall on Friday but was told that he would have to set up a time through a particular nurse and the nurse would call back in 10 minutes. We got a message on our voicemail at home at 11am yesterday - asking DH to call the doctor at 4pm our time. As far as we knew, the urologist wouldn't have sent over the results yet; hence the desire to have the conversation later during the week. In any case DH will contact the RE today and hopefull they will be able to talk.

On a somewhat related note, I've been researching IVF options in other countries. While I think we can purchase a package in Boston for a number of fresh and frozen cycles, I wondered if it was a viable option to do IVF on vacation so it wasn't so 'obvious' what we are trying to do. I've found some interesting options in the Czech Republic, as well as Greece and Barbados. I even found one in Las Vegas but that was really expensive! Honestly, the Czech Republic is interesting because 1) I've never been there; 2) it's close to Vienna; 3) I have friends who live there and 4) the cost looks good. I've requested information from 2 companies and have received details from one. It might be an option for vacation 2009. It would kill two birds with one stone - relaxation and baby-making.

Back to square one

I left work at 3.45 to make the 4pm appointment. Thankfully I had a book - we waited for about 45 minutes before we got in to see the doctor. There was good news and not so great news. The prolactin levels have decreased but they're still above normal so he's going to be put on parlodel after all and will have to do another round of blood tests and SA in March. The SA results were interesting. Count was down by 50% but motility was up to normal levels. So, even though count was down, the motile sperm was still way more than during the last SA. The urologist isn't sure whether the prolactin is affecting the count so in 3 months he'll look at the results of the SA and if necessary he'll prescribe clomid and parlodel and test again in June.

Needless to say, DH is happy (no brain tumor, motility is up) and irritated (another 3 to 6 months of trying things out). We'll talk to the RE next week but if the urologist is right, it might not make any sense doing anything until March or June. So we're back to square one unless the RE says otherwise. DH said he's just tired of waiting. I'm just irritated.

2 hours to go...

We sorted out our disagreement last night. DH asked me to come along with him today so I have rearranged my schedule. We tried to start this morning in a relaxed manner. Up until an hour ago time flew by. Now I know that we're just waiting to ask "what's next". DH is really optimistic and his next step thoughts are really IUI related. I'm feeling somewhat the same but also thinking about how to manage going overseas for treatment. This afternoon will allow us to map out something. I hope we'll talk to the RE either this week or next once everything is done today.

Why am I so nervous???

So the urologist visit is tomorrow afternoon. I won't be able to go with DH since I'll probably be in a meeting and then I have a class that I cannot miss. I got in a bit of an argument this morning with DH because he hasn't done anything to prepare for the appointment. I wrote up some questions last week but he hasn't read them. When I try to discuss contingencies so we can get moving once the appointment is over, he says nothing. I asked him if he cared and he said that he just has no idea what to do and he assumes that the doctor should know. I told him that I am not willing to sit around for another 6 months in hopes that a doctor will get it right when I can be getting a second opinion, etc. I know he's unhappy with the situation and I also know that he is hoping and praying for a good result so we don't have to keep going through all of this. Still, I don't know what is wrong with praying for the best and preparing for the worst.

I contacted a clinic in Boston and am contemplating a phone consultation with a RE depending upon the results from tomorrow's appointment. If we're faced with IVF, and since we'd have to travel no matter what the situation, I would feel more comfortable with comparing programs, prices, etc. I really don't want to get to that point but I also want to just get on with all of this. Sure, it isn't a guarantee that it will work but at least we'd be further along the process.