Cleanse .... Day 3....

... and I am not dreaming about food. Interestingly enough, I haven't had many cravings on this cleanse. Even when I walk down the street and smell the food from restaurants I don't crave it afterwards. I guess this is good! Unfortunately i didn't work out last night as I attended a board meeting that ran late. I do have a 90 minute dance class tonight though so we'll see how that goes. I am concerned about healthy eating at the end of this cleanse and I might try to see the nutritionist that I am getting to take a look at DH's diet.

Speaking of DH, his urologist said yesterday that he did manage to get the results to the RE on Jan 15th. DH is going to follow up with the RE's office to make sure they received the documents. I don't think that the RE willhave much to say to us. I am thinking after the March results that he'd make a recommendation like IUI or injectables or IVF. So we're still in limbo. I've now rationalized that we're going to take this time to get healthier so I am more ok with limbo than I was last week or even over the weekend. of course, I am concerned how we'd do IUI or even monitor a cycle since I no longer have an ob/gyn to go to..... I hope the RE's local contact is willing to take us in if necessary. It also begs the question how to prepare for the Czech Republic if it comes to that. I guess we'd have to explain our situation and see what the Czech doctors recommend.

And finally, welcome ICLWers. This is my first time participating and I am looking forward to getting to know new people. I've just completed my first day of visits and it was fun and interesting. See you on your blog soon!

A Cleansing Week

Tomorrow I will be starting a 5 day cleanse. I probably cleanse once or twice a year. I know I should do it quarterly but life usually catches up with me and I forget. With all the things we want to accomplish this year, I hope that I do remember to cleanse quarterly.

Yesterday we did our regular running about an I ran into a friend who happens to be DH's cousin by marriage. In June when we went to the RE appointment on Island, she and her husband also went that afternoon. Well, she's pg! I am pretty psyched for her but in the same thought we felt sad that we don't feel that we've progressed in 6 months. Yes, we keep saying we're taking the time to get ourselves in shape and out lives in order (to a degree). But face it, rationalization flies out the window when you see something that you want to badly.

The exercise is going well. I've lost weight since New year's but DH is still at the same weight. His running endurance is getting better but he's frustrated that he isn't seeing any physical differences. I wonder if he needs to see a nutritionist?

A year and six months of TTC - We're here!

Actually, I am not really that excited about having spent 18 months trying to have a baby. I am however a bit psyched about being able to spend a few months cleansing and getting in shape. It's kind of a six of one, half a dozen of another type of thing. I've been working on the diet component this week. I've been cutting back on sugar and refined starches and fish and chicken instead of red meat. I can now get more rigorous but I need to ensure I keep my energy up for the running and dancing that I am doing.

DH called the urologist today and the nurse wasn't sure whether his results were sent to the RE's rep on Island. He was so irritated.... I do not know how we're supposed to get anything done relying on the timliness of the doctors here. In any case, I need to set up my annual appointment with my gyn and I may tell her that we're looking at other options other than the RE in NJ. I need to find out if she's willing to work with another doctor to prescribe medication, etc. I also have a nephrologist visit in April and I will need to keep him in the loop as well.

I was saying to DH that it is amazing that we are at a point where we're going to be literally gambling for a child. We are people who research everything and have contingencies for everything. We're now getting into a situation where we're hoping that we'll be one of the successful couples. That scares the crap out of me. I am also scared about how I would take a failure of this plan of action.

So a new phase dawns. We both should be in decent shape by March (for the urologist and gyn appointments) and will be in fighting shape by May 25th. We're still hoping for a miracle but honestly, I'm done with putting so much energy into each cycle...... I have other things that I need to do!!!

On the verge....

Cycle 18 should start tomorrow or Thursday. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to be optimistic each cycle. I never thought we'd see 6 months of trying, let alone one year or 18 months. Each cycle starts off well enough. We both feel good about it and we get through the first 21 days without many doubts. Then the last 7 days drive me nuts with each twinge, sore spot and cramp. My the time DPO 12-13 come along, I am probably the last person DH wants to be around. I can't even think a positive thought! It got to the point last night that I was wondering why we should even bother trying to have kids. My rationalization was that at least we'd be able to afford real estate abroad and lovely (long) vacations.

Anyhow, my mood this month is due to doctors here. We called the RE in NJ yesterday and they told us that they did not have the results and such from DH's tests and appointment with the urologist in December. We don't know if it is the urologist's fault or the fault of the RE's rep on Island. Either way, DH was irritated. Without that info, the RE doesn't really have anything to be able to talk to us. And all I want to know is what the RE thinks are next steps (i.e. go straight to ivf since tht's the only way any of this is going to work). I also want to know how the procedure would work if we went through the NJ office and what the damage would be on our bank accounts.

I've also been reading about fibroids and ivf. While it appears I was given the ok in August (i.e. tubes not blocked), I was not given any specifics (i.e. they are outside of the uterus). So of course, I am reading about ivf with fibroids and the info is all over the place. I don't believe they do removal here so that's another trip abroad if it is necessary to remove them. If they do not have to be removed, will I then be worried about their affect on any ivf treatments. Why cant we just do this naturally and I won't have to think down this path.....

Needless to say, I am looking forward to my 2.5 mile run tonight. That should help to get rid of some of this frustration!

So Much Potential.....

I didn't really care for 2008. I think it is because I lived it in 2 week increments. I didn't have to but it somehow ended up that way. I remember thinking up until perhaps May that it was kind of interesting to live life that way - that was before we were sent to the RE and the urologist. I also feel as if we lost a period of time, between the situation in March and going on vacation in September. I now feel that I was a shadow of myself during that time and perhaps further back from them. My enjoyment of life seems to have dwindled during this whole TTC experience. My go-getter, I must do a million things at a time attitude was virtually at a standstill. I feel like I became someone else.

In September/October I wanted myself back. I went to a counselor and between each meeting I set small goals for myself. I got back into things I enjoyed. I got back into my schoolwork. I decided i needed to change jobs and do things that I enjoyed. I am not back to normal but what is normal when you are in the midst of the craziest battle that you never expected to be in. 2009 has great potential because i know what I do not want to become this year. Yes, there are some major goals that I have set for the year - to finish the degree, to start a dance school, to build my company, to live according to a realistic budget, to do a 1/2 marathon, to get pregnant (possible through Adventure 2009) and possibly have a baby (that could be 2010). All but the last I can control to some degree and that makes me feel good. The last one is what we both want the most and have no idea what it will take to achieve it.

DH has been added to this blog. I don't know if he'll post anything but at least he has access.

Perhaps some next steps...

DH may get to speak to the RE today. He called to set up a time for the phonecall on Friday but was told that he would have to set up a time through a particular nurse and the nurse would call back in 10 minutes. We got a message on our voicemail at home at 11am yesterday - asking DH to call the doctor at 4pm our time. As far as we knew, the urologist wouldn't have sent over the results yet; hence the desire to have the conversation later during the week. In any case DH will contact the RE today and hopefull they will be able to talk.

On a somewhat related note, I've been researching IVF options in other countries. While I think we can purchase a package in Boston for a number of fresh and frozen cycles, I wondered if it was a viable option to do IVF on vacation so it wasn't so 'obvious' what we are trying to do. I've found some interesting options in the Czech Republic, as well as Greece and Barbados. I even found one in Las Vegas but that was really expensive! Honestly, the Czech Republic is interesting because 1) I've never been there; 2) it's close to Vienna; 3) I have friends who live there and 4) the cost looks good. I've requested information from 2 companies and have received details from one. It might be an option for vacation 2009. It would kill two birds with one stone - relaxation and baby-making.

Back to square one

I left work at 3.45 to make the 4pm appointment. Thankfully I had a book - we waited for about 45 minutes before we got in to see the doctor. There was good news and not so great news. The prolactin levels have decreased but they're still above normal so he's going to be put on parlodel after all and will have to do another round of blood tests and SA in March. The SA results were interesting. Count was down by 50% but motility was up to normal levels. So, even though count was down, the motile sperm was still way more than during the last SA. The urologist isn't sure whether the prolactin is affecting the count so in 3 months he'll look at the results of the SA and if necessary he'll prescribe clomid and parlodel and test again in June.

Needless to say, DH is happy (no brain tumor, motility is up) and irritated (another 3 to 6 months of trying things out). We'll talk to the RE next week but if the urologist is right, it might not make any sense doing anything until March or June. So we're back to square one unless the RE says otherwise. DH said he's just tired of waiting. I'm just irritated.

2 hours to go...

We sorted out our disagreement last night. DH asked me to come along with him today so I have rearranged my schedule. We tried to start this morning in a relaxed manner. Up until an hour ago time flew by. Now I know that we're just waiting to ask "what's next". DH is really optimistic and his next step thoughts are really IUI related. I'm feeling somewhat the same but also thinking about how to manage going overseas for treatment. This afternoon will allow us to map out something. I hope we'll talk to the RE either this week or next once everything is done today.

Why am I so nervous???

So the urologist visit is tomorrow afternoon. I won't be able to go with DH since I'll probably be in a meeting and then I have a class that I cannot miss. I got in a bit of an argument this morning with DH because he hasn't done anything to prepare for the appointment. I wrote up some questions last week but he hasn't read them. When I try to discuss contingencies so we can get moving once the appointment is over, he says nothing. I asked him if he cared and he said that he just has no idea what to do and he assumes that the doctor should know. I told him that I am not willing to sit around for another 6 months in hopes that a doctor will get it right when I can be getting a second opinion, etc. I know he's unhappy with the situation and I also know that he is hoping and praying for a good result so we don't have to keep going through all of this. Still, I don't know what is wrong with praying for the best and preparing for the worst.

I contacted a clinic in Boston and am contemplating a phone consultation with a RE depending upon the results from tomorrow's appointment. If we're faced with IVF, and since we'd have to travel no matter what the situation, I would feel more comfortable with comparing programs, prices, etc. I really don't want to get to that point but I also want to just get on with all of this. Sure, it isn't a guarantee that it will work but at least we'd be further along the process.

Now we wait...

DH had the SA this morning. We dropped it off on the way to work. Now we just wait for the appointment on Dec 3rd. We're not sure if the urologist will send the results to the RE before or after the appointment. I don't know what comes next. We've still had no luck doing this on our own and I really would prefer that we didn't have to resort to IVF. So now we wait.

I wonder if we should pre-plan a few sets of questions for Dec 3rd. I am frustrated that we know hardly anything 6 months into this process. We should get control of this aspect of our lives that same way we've been sorting out everything else.

Who knows...

Still no movement with the 2 doctors. I think DH is just going to start the Clomid and if the urologist changes him to the medicine the RE wants him to take, it will be because the clomid isn't working...

Clomid vs. Parlodel

Agggrrrhhhh - this clomid vs. parlodel thing is driving us nuts. DH's urologist wants him to take the clomid and not the parlodel while the RE wants him on parlodel. DH just wants the two doctors to talk to each other and not through him. All of this is just delaying his treatment..

So Confused...

Our NJ-based RE called DH today. He was irritated that DH hadn't received his pardonel prescription yet - apparently he should have been taking it for a month by now. He sent a note to my OB/GYN to remind her to issue the prescription. He should have it by tomorrow. He'll then have to do a prolactin test mid-September to see if the levels have decreased. Basically, we should be all set once he starts taking the meds. He won't have to take the clomid as they both have the same result. Our RE was quite happy with my HSG result so it looks like the focus is on DH . I am so relieved. We may be able to do this without IVF after all! Fingers crossed that the pardonel will make a difference!. We'll talk to our RE next in September before we go to Italy. I hope we can get PG by year's end!

MRI Results

DH got his MRI results and it was ok. His urologist wants to put him on clomid. We are now trying to get in touch with our RE in NJ because he had wanted to put DH on parlodel. We need to figure out if he needs one or the other or both.

HSG - Complete!

I survived my first HSG! I couldn't eat after midnight since they were knocking me out so I tried to eat a lot last night. It didn't help... I really can't eat more than a single serving without feeling sick. So this morning I took my blood pressure meds with the antibiotic at 7am with a glass of water and that was it. Work this morning was hell with the smell of breakfast foods permiating the office.... DH picked me up a bit for 11am and I checked in while he parked. I then had to wait in the outpatient check-in. The paperwork was amazing! I cannot believe how many forms were fille out in that tiny room. I then was taken to the outpatient room and got to change into the wonderfully sexy backless gown. DH kept me company for quite a while but at that point I had been there for 2 hours and he had to go back to work. I got read while I waited and 30 minutes later they let me keep reading when they wheeled me into pre-op. Another 30 minutes and I managed to finish my book, have the IV tube put into my hand (which was hell - my pesky tiny veins) and transfer to the table in the OR. They put the meds in and the last thing that I rember was my ears tingling. Then I was awake and I felt great - I said something about wanting to do yoga to the nurse. My doctor came in and said my tubes were fine but that was all she said. I guess I'll find out more from my RE when I call him next week (if he receives the results by then). They made me wait 30 minutes before taking me back to the outpatient room for me to eat a cookie, drink some apple juice and get dressed. DH picked me up at 4pm and I was on my way home!

I HATE Hospitals...

I'm more nervous about having to check into the hospital and being put out than anything else. I haven't even started to think about the conversation afterwards with the specialist. I just really don't care for hospitals. I just hope that if I do have to have surgery that it could be scheduled this month. It would be great if I can recover from surgery through the end of August into September. It would also be great to get back to TTCing in the fall. and I'm thinking that if they can screen embryos for the polycyctic kidney gene that we should probably give it a try.....

HSG Pre-Op

Pre-op went well. The doctor didn't seem too concerned about the fibroids - I guess the procedure next week will indicate whether she should be. She was more concerned about DH's results. He's calling for his MRI results tomorrow and will ask them to send them on to our RE. He also has to speak to the RE at some point this week and I think his next SA in next Monday. Anyhow, pre-op... I have a bunch of forms to fill out because I'm going into the hospital as an outpatient and they're putting me to sleep for the procedure. DH will then have to pick me up afterwards. I have to take antibiotics before, the day of and the day after the procedure so I picked them up on the way back to the office. other than that, she wants us to TTC during O-time.