It's been an interesting week. We still do not have beta results. I am in the midst of the worst period of my life. I've stopped the hormones and this is my first headache free day (sorta). I can't focus on work for more than an hour at a time. I had to admit this week that I let infertility take over my life.
Yeah, I was sitting at my anniversary dinner, miserable as hell and it hit me. My life at this moment has been designed by us dealing with infertility. I told Aidan this. We had maybe the toughest conversation about our relationship to date. I've been changing around everything - work (to consulting), school (haven't written a thing - will probably end up ABD) and home (you should see my vitamin supplement drawer) - while Aidan has been subconsciously ignoring it. In the meantime, our us time has diminished and when we do have us time 75% focuses on trying to get pg (our diet, exercising together, reading books and sites, the acupressure, etc). This wasn't a problem a year ago when we were trying to get our heads around the situation. A year later, it's a little dysfunctional. We cam to agree that we need to retake our lives. Sure, the infertility struggle won't go away but we need to refocus attention on us, and not solely on this kid that isn't here yet. So back to our weekly lunches, Thursday dinners out, reading the comics together, doing the crossword. It's sad that we actually got away from that.
With that sorted, other than feeling physically and mentally drained, I feel better about things. I'm looking forward to the fall and holiday season. I find it revitalizing. Sure, it is going to be so busy but since I won't be thinking about TTC until April 2010 at the earliest, I get to just enjoy Aidan and our home and the animals for a while. I can't wait to start baking - what I would give for gingerbread men and oatmeal cookies right now, fresh from my oven. I need to start cleaning the house for my card-making and jewelry making sessions leading up to Christmas. And then there's our annual open house on Dec 19th. Sure, I will hopefully be recovering from surgery during the time of the party but since I'm having it catered (mostly) this year, who cares if I am on the couch for most of the day.
So I'm back and in a better state of mind at the moment. Not sure if it will be a lasting calm and also not sure how we'll deal with any other curve balls. But we're getting through this together and even through we're less optimistic than before, we still know that someday we'll be parents.
3 comments:
I think we all need those 'hard' relationship talks. While everyone's circumstances are different I think those times of recentering and repriorizing are much needed. I think this is a great time of year to have the surgery, the waiting, etc. You will have much to look forward to!!!
I'm happy to hear you are feeling in a better place. I know this has been hard, and takes so much energy. Finding the strength in each other is so important.
It sounds like you are looking forward, and that's good.
((HUGS))
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