Irritation

After my dentist appointment I went to my gyn's office to set up my annual check-up, change my insurance info, etc. They couldn't accept my appointment request. Apparently, there are only 3 Ob's practicing on the Island since 2 retired in the fall. My doctor is overwhelmed with pregnant women (she's currently seeing 200+ pregnant patients). So they're asking their gyn patients to get their paps and breast exams done through their GP.

In my case they'll also send my GP all of our infertility records because the GP will have to deal with that as well. I stood there looking lost for a while. I now have to start from square one explaining what has been going on to my GP.... I'm going to give the GP a call in a few minutes.

A year and six months of TTC - We're here!

Actually, I am not really that excited about having spent 18 months trying to have a baby. I am however a bit psyched about being able to spend a few months cleansing and getting in shape. It's kind of a six of one, half a dozen of another type of thing. I've been working on the diet component this week. I've been cutting back on sugar and refined starches and fish and chicken instead of red meat. I can now get more rigorous but I need to ensure I keep my energy up for the running and dancing that I am doing.

DH called the urologist today and the nurse wasn't sure whether his results were sent to the RE's rep on Island. He was so irritated.... I do not know how we're supposed to get anything done relying on the timliness of the doctors here. In any case, I need to set up my annual appointment with my gyn and I may tell her that we're looking at other options other than the RE in NJ. I need to find out if she's willing to work with another doctor to prescribe medication, etc. I also have a nephrologist visit in April and I will need to keep him in the loop as well.

I was saying to DH that it is amazing that we are at a point where we're going to be literally gambling for a child. We are people who research everything and have contingencies for everything. We're now getting into a situation where we're hoping that we'll be one of the successful couples. That scares the crap out of me. I am also scared about how I would take a failure of this plan of action.

So a new phase dawns. We both should be in decent shape by March (for the urologist and gyn appointments) and will be in fighting shape by May 25th. We're still hoping for a miracle but honestly, I'm done with putting so much energy into each cycle...... I have other things that I need to do!!!

On the verge....

Cycle 18 should start tomorrow or Thursday. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to be optimistic each cycle. I never thought we'd see 6 months of trying, let alone one year or 18 months. Each cycle starts off well enough. We both feel good about it and we get through the first 21 days without many doubts. Then the last 7 days drive me nuts with each twinge, sore spot and cramp. My the time DPO 12-13 come along, I am probably the last person DH wants to be around. I can't even think a positive thought! It got to the point last night that I was wondering why we should even bother trying to have kids. My rationalization was that at least we'd be able to afford real estate abroad and lovely (long) vacations.

Anyhow, my mood this month is due to doctors here. We called the RE in NJ yesterday and they told us that they did not have the results and such from DH's tests and appointment with the urologist in December. We don't know if it is the urologist's fault or the fault of the RE's rep on Island. Either way, DH was irritated. Without that info, the RE doesn't really have anything to be able to talk to us. And all I want to know is what the RE thinks are next steps (i.e. go straight to ivf since tht's the only way any of this is going to work). I also want to know how the procedure would work if we went through the NJ office and what the damage would be on our bank accounts.

I've also been reading about fibroids and ivf. While it appears I was given the ok in August (i.e. tubes not blocked), I was not given any specifics (i.e. they are outside of the uterus). So of course, I am reading about ivf with fibroids and the info is all over the place. I don't believe they do removal here so that's another trip abroad if it is necessary to remove them. If they do not have to be removed, will I then be worried about their affect on any ivf treatments. Why cant we just do this naturally and I won't have to think down this path.....

Needless to say, I am looking forward to my 2.5 mile run tonight. That should help to get rid of some of this frustration!

Thoughts about Christenings

We have a few nieces but this was the first christening we had to attend. DH was godfather so he had a role to play in the proceedings. I think that began to dawn on me as we drove to the church - I would be alone in the pew watching a happy family moment that I don't know if I'll ever get to experience for myself. With that, I became really quiet. BIL asked me to record the baptism so at least I watched the events through a tiny screen. There were moments I wanted to cry, either for thebeauty of the moment or the despair over 16+ months of disappointment. When it was finished DH held my hand during the remainder of the service. He had a lot going through his head while he stood at the front.

The brunch was held at SIL/BIL's house. Most of the family was in attendance. I had to keep myself busy - I did not want to get into a 'what's taking you so long' conversation. I ended up making pancakes as my DH was allergic to the main meal. I felt better just concentrating on that. I didn't have to hold my niece. I didn't have to talk about the christening. I just had to deal with cooking. I was able to get through various conversations afterwards and I began to wonder if we would be just fine ifwe never had children. After the tree planting (the tree we gave our niece on the day she was born), we headed home talking about how tough the day had been.

We were able to spend part of the afternoon doing what we needed to do. We ran three miles and then we took the dogs for a 2.5 mile walk. I even managed a bit of resistence training. We napped a little but before you knew it, it was time for the family dinner. It wasn't nearly as difficult as brunch. The food was good and the conversation was fun. I was happy to go home though - it was a draining day.

Diet and Exercise.....

.... will start in earnest on Jan 12th. Actually, the exercise is taking place - just not as consistent as I'd like. And as for diet, I plan to be eating pork roast tomorrow night and party food on Sunday so I thought it wise to start cutting out sugar and red meat and dairy after that. I need to do a colon cleanse and I might do a liver cleanse as well. After these parties I should be rid of all of the cookies and candies that are left over from the holidays. I now need to plan the parameters of the cleanses.

As for exercise, we walked 5 miles on Sunday and I walked 2 miles last night. I am supposed to run two miles at a steady pace tonight. I hope there is enough light. We may have to start running mornings since it is usually dark when we get home from work. Plus I've discovered that if I use the the wii Fit free run setting, I can't use my nike + ipod (it does not register running in place). I am also thinking about adding Power 90 workouts to the training schedule but haven't figured out where to place them. I can barely get up in the morning as it is.

And TTC. Well, I may be DPO 5 or something like that. I haven't been using OPKs or really even tracking my cycles lately so I am assuming that I Oed on or around Day 14. While I am glad that I don't have to temp anymore, sometimes I miss the certainty of knowing that I've Oed. The OPKs are ok but they've been getting expensive (I use digital) so I've been rethinking that. Come to think of it, this whole TTC experience has started to get really pricey since last March. And to think, if we're successful in achieving our goal, then we'll be talking about spending a lot more money.... I think I need to take a look at my budget!

So Much Potential.....

I didn't really care for 2008. I think it is because I lived it in 2 week increments. I didn't have to but it somehow ended up that way. I remember thinking up until perhaps May that it was kind of interesting to live life that way - that was before we were sent to the RE and the urologist. I also feel as if we lost a period of time, between the situation in March and going on vacation in September. I now feel that I was a shadow of myself during that time and perhaps further back from them. My enjoyment of life seems to have dwindled during this whole TTC experience. My go-getter, I must do a million things at a time attitude was virtually at a standstill. I feel like I became someone else.

In September/October I wanted myself back. I went to a counselor and between each meeting I set small goals for myself. I got back into things I enjoyed. I got back into my schoolwork. I decided i needed to change jobs and do things that I enjoyed. I am not back to normal but what is normal when you are in the midst of the craziest battle that you never expected to be in. 2009 has great potential because i know what I do not want to become this year. Yes, there are some major goals that I have set for the year - to finish the degree, to start a dance school, to build my company, to live according to a realistic budget, to do a 1/2 marathon, to get pregnant (possible through Adventure 2009) and possibly have a baby (that could be 2010). All but the last I can control to some degree and that makes me feel good. The last one is what we both want the most and have no idea what it will take to achieve it.

DH has been added to this blog. I don't know if he'll post anything but at least he has access.

A Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2009

The new year brings with it the feeling of a clean slate and the ability to do what has not been possible in the previous year. We wish everyone the ability to make your dreams come true and to achieve what you felt was impossible.