Remembering My Passion

I wasn't feeling 100% tonight because I am fighting a cold. Instead of trying to get into 'Mad Men', I pulled out one of the stocking gifts that I gave to Aidan for Christmas. The DVD was 'Every Little Step - The Journey of 'A Chorus Line''. It's a great documentary because it combines footage and recordings of the development of the show and original cast interviews while following the casting of the revival. We saw the revival cast on Broadway in December of 2007 so watching this documentary was really fun to see how the casting decision was made.

Anyhow, I spent the evening singing along, bawling at times and wishing that I could do this show before I can't dance anymore. 'A Chorus Line' has always been a favorite of mine because it is the story of dancers. While I have never had the dream to be on Broadway or in the West End, I have done amateur theatre working with some great directors, choreographers and musical directors who have worked on shows in NY and London. I've had great fun singing and dancing in 'Chicago', 'Guys and Dolls', 'Cabaret' and 'Dreamgirls' to name a few. Watching this show tonight reminded me of my passion for dance and musical theatre. I remembered how I used to fight to be a better singer, to be a better dancer, to act more naturally, to learn as much as possible from these amazing people who I got to work with. Even though my college and grad degrees said my career direction was one thing, there was a point where I considered myself a dancer first and a policy analyst/manager/etc second.

I think the underlying theme of the song 'What I did for Love' for me was embodied in 2007 when I was in 'Dreamgirls'. I ended up doing a lot of dancing for the show with 3 other girls and 2 guys. I was 33. The rest of the dancers were between 17 and 21. I fought injuries, my body image (I now know this was partially a fibroid issue) and my sinking confidence as I fought to keep up. There were days when I used to think that all I could really do was teach... and my confidence tanked. I remember the day when the director/choreographer, an amazing talent from NY, wanted me to do a speaking role and I told him to give it to one of the other dancers because she wanted to pursue a career in theatre. Looking back, I can't believe I just gave it away....

Since that point, even though I am still a dancer (highland dancer anyway), I have shied away from auditions and even pantomimes. Sure, since 'Dreamgirls' I have been on this TTC/IF roller coaster - an in the process my confidence has tanked all over the place (career, school and focus included) but I know in my heart that the inability to have kids has had no role in my loss of confidence in my dancing. That is all me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy teaching dancers. But in teaching I'm often reminded that I can't do as much as I could do in the past. I see young talented dancers who remind me of myself, who have years of dancing ahead of them. There are times when I yearn for the chance to do it over - to have done a degree in dance; to have done a dance programme at a major dance organization, to have done more....

Don't get me wrong, I value what I have done. I am grateful to still be dancing at 35 and hope to do so well into old age. And I know at some point I will be at peace with teaching dance, as it will keep me involved in something that I love. Hell, there's also choreography and directing to explore as well. And that's why tonight has been great. I love dancing and I love being involved in the dance community. I love theatre and love being involved in the theatre community. No, I can't make a career out of either (yet... we'll see what can be done with Highland Dancing in Bermuda in the coming years) but the satisfaction of being involved often makes me happy. This is an area where I really want my confidence back. I want to go into an audition again like I did in 2001 when I auditioned for 'Chicago' and take a risk that could lead to an amazing stage experience. I want to see the name of an upcoming show and say, "Yeah, I'll be in that". I want to get on stage with the confidence of a person who grew up onstage and backstage - hell, I've been doing this since I was 5, why can't I do it at 35!!!

So this is something I plan to  - I need to work on - first with these Highland Dancing exams in April and then who knows. I want to have that feeling again that when I stand on that stage - whether in front of an examiner, a director or an audience - that says "I could have been a Rockette, or a Vegas Showgirl or a Fosse dancer so I am going to WOW you right now!". I need to recapture my passion and I am glad that watching a simple DVD documentary helped to remind me what it is.