Once you realise that this is a life changing event

So once I finished spitting nails due to yesterday's newspaper article, reality began to sink in. A lot of work has to be done to get grandpa back into the house and even more work is necessary to get the apartment back to a usable state. Aidan spoke to quite a few people in the construction industry yesterday so we have a plan that we can work with but implementing it will be interesting. You see, there is the expensive option (get contractors to do major things and we do the rest) and the really expensive option (get contractors to do everything). Since money doesn't grow on trees, we're looking at a phased expensive approach. That means grandpa will get back home asap but the apartment will be off the market for probably a year or more.

I had some time to think about what this means for us in the next year or so. There goes our evenings and weekends. Our budgeting and savings will change to reflect the work that we're taking on. Most likely we won't be taking a vacation this year. And most likely we won't be doing IVF in September. I thought about good things as well - creating menus and grocery lists so we can have fun cooking together in the kitchen, going on 'picnics' for date night to remove that line item from our budget (when the weather is better), implementing a fitness bank (do one hour of working out together to bank one  hour of tv watching together) and spending more time gardening and on the water this spring/fall/summer after working on the apartment. At this point we won't cancel the housekeeping service (particularly if we'll be so bushed from cleaning/working on the other place) and my monthly waxing and hair appointments are contained in my budget for the moment for me to reassess at a later date.

So while there are good plans and I believe we'll make the most of it, I am afraid that I am having difficulty being optimistic about the babymaking portion. It's a habit that is more difficult to shake - I do not automatically think of contingencies when it comes to our fertility that way I can when it comes to how to rebuild after a fire, for example. I tried to visualise us getting pg on our own this spring/summer/fall - possible but a little tough if we're still dealing with MFI. I tried to consider asking the local doctor to let us do clomid or injectables with IUI - again, a little tough if we're dealing with MFI. And I feel a bit odd considering saving for IVF on my own when we're going to be actively budgeting to get the apartment fixed.

No, I haven't thrown in the towel but I am on unsteady ground. I tried to shore myself up by reading about changing my attitude around being lucky and unlucky. I have been focusing on not dewlling on all of this ill fortune and instead taking control of the situation by imagining how things could have been worse and therefore taking the opportunity to make things better (whether it means making the apartment better, spending quality time together or being less single minded about babymaking). I have also started and hope to continue recognising all the positives of our lives daily, which ultimately gets me into the mindset that our futures are bright (I did this in grad school and it worked wonders!).

So this is where I am mentally this morning. Tonight we're focusing our irritation into working out. We're going to take each day at a time for a a bit but I think we'll settle into the routine of this altered life as we progress into the spring and summer.