Many thoughts...

I have been having many thoughts over the last few days. They have been literally all over the place. I thought I'd write down a few to get the jumbled mess out of my head.

1. Fire Safety - I've always prepared for fires and hoped never to experience one. Visiting the apartment today was a reminder that it is a good habit to be prepared for the worst. Our townhouse has smoke detectors, sprinklers and fire extinguishers all over the place. What I realised lat one night was that we do not have one of those flexible ladders that can be thrown out a window for the 2nd floor rooms. I had one in the apartment that I lived in before I got married so I am surprised I hadn't thought of that. Needless to say, it's on our shopping list.

2. Guilt - I've dealt with various levels of guilt my entire life for many reasons. My great-grandmother said it showed I had a great moral compass. I wouldn't go that far but I do believe that it often keeps me on the straight and narrow in scenarios when I need to be strong and stay the course. Anyhow, I've been comparing the guilt that I am now starting to see in myself related to the fire (being concerned about being seen wasting money when I should be funneling it towards fixing the house) versus the guilt that I feel when I deal with the various medical crises that have been in my side of the family in the last few years. Last night's thought was that while life must go on (and it does - I've yet to experience going back in time), I rationalise the health guilt easier because I am a part of the club. I know I have kidney disease and I may be dealing with the same things my mom has dealt with one day. With the fire, I'm affected because we own the place but I still have my own bed and processions around me. I believe I am sensitive about perceptions in this area because 2 people (3 if you include the guy who caused this problem) are very obviously affected by what has happened. We've discussed this and believe that this guilt will diminish over time because life must go on.

3. Kid lectures - A very nice secretary, upon learning my age, told me this week that if I am serious about having kids, I had better do something soon. I answered with a half hearted 'whatever will be, will be'. In the car that night I told Aidan that feisty me would have commented on the many steps we've already taken while scared me would have agreed and changed the subject. Being in the middle of the road is sort of where I am right now mentally. Us having kids (or not) isn't a big a headache at the moment as getting work done on the house and apartment in order to get grandpa back in there asap. It also isn't an immediate thought as I have 7-8 weeks before we could start doing anything towards such a goal. But in this lull, and with possible new parameters, I have questioned my focus on this goal. I have said that I believe that I have been very single minded at various times over the last 2+ years to the detriment of other things. I have said that I feel more comfortable when we have more control over aspects of the situation - through planning, etc. I have also said that I preferred when I had the attitude of 'if it happens, it happens'. The differences between the first and last statements show me how conflicted this experience has made me. But there is a positive - on a good day I feel good about seeing both sides clearly. So do I see myself changing my answer any time soon... no. I think I'll be middle of the road until we enter another active decision making phase.

4. My faith - I don't often talk about religion as it is very personal to me. I will say though that since the IVF experience last year, I've not been as active as I have been in the past. That has brought me some guilt. Part of the reason I've not been as active is that in a way I was tired - it seemed like so much adversity and so little victory. However, I realise that I also wasn't true to myself or my faith in the situation. For example, I prayed a lot last summer and when we weren't successful, I was mad. On the other hand, I prayed a lot when my mom had her kidney transplant in October and I prayed a lot leading up to and after my fibroid removal surgery and in those cases things went very well. This really got me thinking. Why am I active when I get what I want and I am not when I don't? Yeah, putting it that way I felt selfish. So in preparation for Lent, I'm going to think on this a bit more as I contemplate what I will do for Lent this year. Perhaps, instead of giving up something, I should add something in to get me reconnected for the right reasons.

5. Glee and Doctor Who - really weird combination, right? Perhaps I should have said 'Glee and Doctor Who = relaxation'. Since I have been introduced and sucked into the machine that is Glee (I actually purchased the CDs - still not that hot on the writing though), I have been following a UK forum to track the reactions to the episodes. They're on episode 6 and I am probably playing attention mostly to how Glee is charting on iTunes and on the BBC over there. It's become quite fun since a) the CDs are in circulation (I think the official release date is soon) b) some songs are not on the CD. Episode 6 had the mashups which were not on the CD. One Glee song (Don't Stop Believing)  is in the top 10 and the thought was that the next one might be Somebody to Love. At the moment, Somebody to love is in the 20s - some say because it's on the CD so many people won't buy the single. Well, Episode 6 aired on Monday and by yesterday Halo/Walking on Sunshine was on the cusp of the top 10 and It's My Life/Confessions is in the teens. It's been good fun watching this! As for Doctor Who, I got the Specials on DVD so I have been combing through the DVD extras. I went through the Doctor Who Confidentials for  the 2008 Christmas Special, Planet of the Dead and Waters of MArs. Tonight I hope to watch the two for End of Time. It's so much fun learning about how they did certain effects, put together the set, etc.

So that's it for the moment. Until next time!