(I Need) Confidence...

This weekend reminded me that I have lost something that I took for granted for so many years in my youth. I have generally been a very confident person. It probably was a by-product of being on stage, enjoying tests in school, reading a lot, theatre. I don't know why I was so confident. I had a bobble in my confidence in high school when I grew from 5'4" to 5'9" and wasn't 'that great' for ballet anymore but I got into theatre and was fine. I never wavered in my confidence in college or grad school and was even really confident during my doctoral coursework. However, I see that my downhill slide in the confidence arena started around the time of our first TTC cycle in 2007 (it was actually a body image issue in a show that I now realise was fibroid related) and hit rock bottom somewhere in 2008. I have been working since then to build my confidence in all areas of my life but it has been a rollercoaster.

Anyhow, this weekend we have had highland dancing and Scottish national dancing workshops and mock exams in preparation for our exams on April 15 & 16. There are 4 of us who teach and 3 of us were planning to take our teacher's exam as of Friday afternoon. Well, Friday was great because the workshops went well and our students did really well. The theory practice was tough but survivable. I came home tired but positive. Saturday we were paranoid again because we had our youngest dancers and their parents. They made it through the workshop and also did well. As we were getting everyone ready for the mock exams, a parent came up to me and congratulated me on being pregnant. In my head I panicked. Thankfully, I pulled it together and said 'no, I had abdominal surgery in December and I am just getting back into dancing. I have some work to do to get back into dancing shape but I should be fine.' She apologised and apologised and I had that conversation in my head all day. So much for wearing leotards to class....

Anyhow, I transferred my paranoia to the mock exams and we made it through the morning and into the afternoon. Then it was time for my mock exams. Oh boy... I bombed in the jig to the point where I was wondering who was up there dancing. I actually looked at my feet the entire time. All of us were a mess and the instructor helped us improve by helping us with our confidence in the steps. We then went into our National and Highland mock exams and I felt much better about my ability to pass. It was at this point that one of the teachers decided not to take the exam with me so I'll be doing it alone... I immediately started questioning my decision to do the exam this year. Unfortunately, I then had a bad night's sleep. Between my painful feet and legs and dreams about that parent that asked me the question (I dreamed that she wanted to take her teacher's exam), I was a basket case. I was ok at Palm Sunday Services but high strung today at the theory class for the teacher's exam. It was a great class and quite helpful and I have a lot of work to do. Still, my confidence came up again and again in my assessment - I know my stuff but I need to say it like I know it. I felt so run down at the end... in my head I was trying to figure out how to build my confidence, where would I find the time to do more, why am I doing this???

I came home, crashed and then had a long talk with Aidan about how to rebuild my confidence. We discussed everything. The beginnings of our loss of control over our lives, the ineffective coping mechanisms we've employed over the years, how our lack of confidence in our fertility has affected our work and personal lives and what we're doing to rebuild confidence and create a 'new normal'. There were no eureka moments because we came to many of the same solutions that we've said for the last year - choosing your battles, working together to get through difficult times, helping one another rebuild confidence in areas that we have more control.

So, exam-wise, I have a nightly tester in my husband who will drill me on the theory so that I feel confident speaking in the exam. The schedule is one dance per night for theory and a run through of the 7 dances for practical retention. As for other areas, we'll work on them one by one.

To end, I have given myself an anthem to get through the coming weeks (and into the summer and fall). It's one of my many favorite songs from 'The Sound of Music":

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!