MRI - check

I went this morning for the pelvic MRI. It's the second time I've had a MRI. The first was for my knee in 2007. I therefore had to fill out forms with my new insurance information. I didn't have much of a wait after doing that. They had me put on a set of blue hospital shorts over my underwear and strapped my pelvis onto the bed. It was freezing in the room (thanks Aidan for designing a really efficient AC system for them...) so they covered me with a blanket to keep me warm. They could not find BBC World Service on the radio so the headphones played easy listening from the 70s - today.

The examination took 1 hour and 30 minutes. The first hour was pretty simple. I zoned out on occasion but I did not go to sleep like I did with the knee MRI. I thought through a lot of stuff - work related, school, life. I thought a lot about my childhood for some reason. Perhaps it was me thinking of simpler days... in any case I thought about stuff I had forgotten about. The last 30 minutes required that I be injected with contrast dye. The needle wasn't bad but the dye was so cold. I felt it go through my hand and arm and soon I felt cold. It was an odd sensation (I didn't have to do the contrast dye for the knee so it was definitely a new experience). I could not relax when I went back into the machine - I was so tense. I did not move but I could feel that my thigh muscles were keeping my feet raised off of the bed. I don't know if it was the cold or fear or what.... it was odd.

When the procedure was completed I changed and had to wait for the disk. Yes, I tried to take a look but the computer here won't install the software. I may try to take a look at home tonight. So now I need to update Brigham & Womens with our arrival time on Thursday, our hotel and that we have the scans on CD. IN the meantime, I'm a tad itchy but it's not bad.

Had to Take a Breather...

It's been an interesting week. We still do not have beta results. I am in the midst of the worst period of my life. I've stopped the hormones and this is my first headache free day (sorta). I can't focus on work for more than an hour at a time. I had to admit this week that I let infertility take over my life.

Yeah, I was sitting at my anniversary dinner, miserable as hell and it hit me. My life at this moment has been designed by us dealing with infertility. I told Aidan this. We had maybe the toughest conversation about our relationship to date. I've been changing around everything - work (to consulting), school (haven't written a thing - will probably end up ABD) and home (you should see my vitamin supplement drawer) - while Aidan has been subconsciously ignoring it. In the meantime, our us time has diminished and when we do have us time 75% focuses on trying to get pg (our diet, exercising together, reading books and sites, the acupressure, etc). This wasn't a problem a year ago when we were trying to get our heads around the situation. A year later, it's a little dysfunctional.  We cam to agree that we need to retake our lives. Sure, the infertility struggle won't go away but we need to refocus attention on us, and not solely on this kid that isn't here yet. So back to our weekly lunches, Thursday dinners out, reading the comics together, doing the crossword. It's sad that we actually got away from that.

With that sorted, other than feeling physically and mentally drained, I feel better about things. I'm looking forward to the fall and holiday season. I find it revitalizing. Sure, it is going to be so busy but since I won't be thinking about TTC until April 2010 at the earliest, I get to just enjoy Aidan and our home and the animals for a while. I can't wait to start baking - what I would give for gingerbread men and oatmeal cookies right now, fresh from my oven. I need to start cleaning the house for my card-making and jewelry making sessions leading up to Christmas. And then there's our annual open house on Dec 19th. Sure, I will hopefully be recovering from surgery during the time of the party but since I'm having it catered (mostly) this year, who cares if I am on the couch for most of the day.

So I'm back and in a better state of mind at the moment. Not sure if it will be a lasting calm and also not sure how we'll deal with any other curve balls. But we're getting through this together and even through we're less optimistic than before, we still know that someday we'll be parents.

Beta Day... but no results yet

Today was beta day. Aidan and I drove in this morning in semi silence. We listened to the new Dan Brown book on the Kindle. That was good because I really wasn't in a mood to talk. In fact, I felt like crap. Anyhow, we got to the clinic, handed in the form and waited. I was called up and asked if I wanted to stay because they could give me the quick qualitative result if I wanted it. I actually said to her 'no - it'll be negative anyway'. I felt bad after saying that. Anyhow, I got called back, they stabbed me, taped me up and said they'd fax the results to my doctor when they came in.

We left the clinic and as we discussed plans for tomorrow I just started crying. It was such an anticlimactic end to something that I was so positive about. Aidan said that we are on the path to sorting all of this out and we just need to keep going. Good point.... just need to get through this rough patch.

So, I spent the day sorting out my schedule, work, Christmas list, etc. It was nice to be busy, to ignore my period that is still trying to start. I worked on our calendar from Oct-Jan and started thinking about what the next 4 months will contain. I visited a fibroids site over the weekend and when I looked at December I wondered what the Christmas season will bring. Apparently while the Da Vinci surgery will have me in and out of the hospital, the day of and day after surgery are going to be the worst pain days. I'm thinking I'll have to spend a week in Boston, maybe a little more. I hope by the end of it I'll be ok to see the Christmas tree before we fly home.

Anyhow, I'm felling much better tonight. My gut doesn't really but my head feels pretty good. Sure, I know I have to deal with the results call tomorrow but it's one more step towards achieving our goal, right. In the meantime, I have a 3rd wedding anniversary to celebrate tomorrow!!!!!

Trying to Get Back to Normal... Whatever That Is...

It's been a strange weekend. After Friday's bawl-fest I felt drained on Saturday morning. I went to my monthly hair appointment with my new hairdresser and was on the verge of tears twice through just listening to other people's conversations in the salon. Thankfully, I had my eyebrows threaded before I had my hair done (OMG, it hurt like hell) so I was a bit weepy from that so the red eyes weren't that bad. After the appointment, Aidan and I did a little shopping. I got a more potent bone restore supplement just in case I end up on lupron to shrink the fibroid before surgery (I hope not... I am feeling awful enough on the estrogen and progesterone at the moment...). We had a lovely lunch and everything felt ok. And that's how it went for the rest of the day. It almost felt like a normal day - until we watched tv in the evening. That's when I started bristling at pregnancy and babies on the tv shows. I was so mad at myself. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to shut down even more of my life avoiding anything that hints of pregnancy, birth or kids. 

I had fitful dreams due to my anger at myself. I never really relaxed. It's like I was debating with myself all night how to get on with life. One side wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong and the other side wanted to save face and emotions. I woke up in the middle of the night confused, feeling those bloody symptoms that are obviously progesterone side effects and feeling pretty lost. When I finally settled in again I dreamed about  the embryos that were made out of me and Aidan. At first, it felt good to know that we had managed to create something together. Then it hit me that we'd never see what the result of that fusion would become. I dreamed that we ran away from our lives due to that. We purchased a house in the US, moved away from our families and started to build a new life. 

I woke up really dissatisfied. I don't want to run away from life or family. Yes, I'd like to get on with our lives but I know that that means dealing with all that life has to offer. I don't know how to deal with it yet as the disappointment is still fresh but we must deal with it. I cannot keep immersing myself in projects to avoid life... I need to figure out how to get back to living. I also need to relax. We need to relax. We both need to cut back on our activities and just enjoy being at home a bit.

I don't get to see my therapist until October. She's helped me so much in the last 12 months and I know working through these emotions and feelings will allow me to get to know more about myself. In the meantime, Aidan and I continue talking. This process continues to bring us closer together. It's a wonderful side effect of a crazy set of circumstances.

IN any case, I need to get through a family birthday party today. I have no desire to interact with anyone yet but I have no choice... I pray I can hold it together.

IVF #1 was interesting...

Well, I started bleeding yesterday afternoon. Not a lot but it was brown, then red. Stopped when I took the estrogen in the evening but not before I took 2 HPTs, both negative. Needless to say, it was a tough night. Tested again this morning. Another negative. Doesn't feel like it did last night. So this cycle's pretty much over except for the beta.

Aidan and I have talked a lot. We're glad we did it the way we did this cycle and barring the desire for Brigham & Women's to have us do a cycle there after the fibroid removal , we'll be in CZ this time next year. Aidan is also going to go back to acupuncture and continue to work on lowering his prolactin level and improving his sperm count. We are also looking at planning CZ better next year to ensure that I get acupuncture treatment, which possibly means staying in Luhacovice around treatment time. We also discussed spending our time between appointments flying out of Brno to see other countries because our weekend getaways were really relaxing for me and got my mind off of the process.

I really want to thank everyone for their support during this cycle. While it was a physical and emotional rollercoaster, it was extremely positive and I have lovely memories - from the vacation itself and your wonderful comments.

Needless to say, I'll still be here - probably talking about how they remove a fibroid that is 3/4 of the size of my uterus! I am grateful for this medium to share and vent and I know that one day I will get to share some amazing news in here.

Not Much Going On...

Well, I'm about to start my last weekend of blissful ignorance. I can't bring myself to do an HPT and I am unnerved that we'll get the beta results on our anniversary on Tuesday. I am trying to mentally prepare for either result but I just don't know how I will take it. Yes, I feel better that I have a plan for a negative but since I have been so emotional in the last 2 weeks, I don't want to even imagine what a low would feel like.

As for how I feel, I'm better. The headaches are a bit less than earlier this week. The BBs are still a little sore and I'm not used to the size. I had some spotting when I put in the progesterone gel earlier this week (old blood) so, of course, it made me hopeful. I've had some mild cramping. All of this (except for the larger BBs - that's definitely the hormones) could be PMS so I have not really paid attention to any of it. I've just tried to get our house back in order and spend some time with Aidan before his schedule ramps up again.

Speaking of schedules, next week is the week we're usually away on vacation (and hopefully will be again in future years). Our anniversary is on Tuesday this year and hopefully we'll go out to dinner depending on our state of mind. Aidan's b-day is Friday but he will be doing a weekend Regiment camp so we won't get to do anything. Somehow I need to make both days special but with work and meetings and Aidan being away, it's going to be tough.

On the positive side, we're leaving for Boston on Oct 1 and I did get the appointment with the fibroid specialist on Oct 2. I can't wait to see friends, do some Christmas shopping (need to work on my list) and see  one of my favorite cities in the world!!!

More Fibroid Removal Planning...

So, after a year of being uncomfortable with the knowledge that I have this fibroid, I am finally doing something about it. Granted, it may be the early stages of planning for its removal but at least the ball is rolling. I contacted the internal coordinator this morning and this afternoon I have a doctor willing to see me at Brigham & Women's on Oct 5th. I'm trying to get in on the 2nd (I am supposed to fly home on the 5th) but I'll change my flight back if necessary. I have to do a pelvic MRI before hand and my doctor has managed to schedule me for one on Sept 28th!

So now I just need to see if I can proceed with treatment sooner or later - and I'll know that sometime next week after Monday's beta. Aidan and I had a short conversation about it and we may therefore do round two of IVF (if necessary) in a year.....