I have been having many thoughts over the last few days. They have been literally all over the place. I thought I'd write down a few to get the jumbled mess out of my head.
1. Fire Safety - I've always prepared for fires and hoped never to experience one. Visiting the apartment today was a reminder that it is a good habit to be prepared for the worst. Our townhouse has smoke detectors, sprinklers and fire extinguishers all over the place. What I realised lat one night was that we do not have one of those flexible ladders that can be thrown out a window for the 2nd floor rooms. I had one in the apartment that I lived in before I got married so I am surprised I hadn't thought of that. Needless to say, it's on our shopping list.
2. Guilt - I've dealt with various levels of guilt my entire life for many reasons. My great-grandmother said it showed I had a great moral compass. I wouldn't go that far but I do believe that it often keeps me on the straight and narrow in scenarios when I need to be strong and stay the course. Anyhow, I've been comparing the guilt that I am now starting to see in myself related to the fire (being concerned about being seen wasting money when I should be funneling it towards fixing the house) versus the guilt that I feel when I deal with the various medical crises that have been in my side of the family in the last few years. Last night's thought was that while life must go on (and it does - I've yet to experience going back in time), I rationalise the health guilt easier because I am a part of the club. I know I have kidney disease and I may be dealing with the same things my mom has dealt with one day. With the fire, I'm affected because we own the place but I still have my own bed and processions around me. I believe I am sensitive about perceptions in this area because 2 people (3 if you include the guy who caused this problem) are very obviously affected by what has happened. We've discussed this and believe that this guilt will diminish over time because life must go on.
3. Kid lectures - A very nice secretary, upon learning my age, told me this week that if I am serious about having kids, I had better do something soon. I answered with a half hearted 'whatever will be, will be'. In the car that night I told Aidan that feisty me would have commented on the many steps we've already taken while scared me would have agreed and changed the subject. Being in the middle of the road is sort of where I am right now mentally. Us having kids (or not) isn't a big a headache at the moment as getting work done on the house and apartment in order to get grandpa back in there asap. It also isn't an immediate thought as I have 7-8 weeks before we could start doing anything towards such a goal. But in this lull, and with possible new parameters, I have questioned my focus on this goal. I have said that I believe that I have been very single minded at various times over the last 2+ years to the detriment of other things. I have said that I feel more comfortable when we have more control over aspects of the situation - through planning, etc. I have also said that I preferred when I had the attitude of 'if it happens, it happens'. The differences between the first and last statements show me how conflicted this experience has made me. But there is a positive - on a good day I feel good about seeing both sides clearly. So do I see myself changing my answer any time soon... no. I think I'll be middle of the road until we enter another active decision making phase.
4. My faith - I don't often talk about religion as it is very personal to me. I will say though that since the IVF experience last year, I've not been as active as I have been in the past. That has brought me some guilt. Part of the reason I've not been as active is that in a way I was tired - it seemed like so much adversity and so little victory. However, I realise that I also wasn't true to myself or my faith in the situation. For example, I prayed a lot last summer and when we weren't successful, I was mad. On the other hand, I prayed a lot when my mom had her kidney transplant in October and I prayed a lot leading up to and after my fibroid removal surgery and in those cases things went very well. This really got me thinking. Why am I active when I get what I want and I am not when I don't? Yeah, putting it that way I felt selfish. So in preparation for Lent, I'm going to think on this a bit more as I contemplate what I will do for Lent this year. Perhaps, instead of giving up something, I should add something in to get me reconnected for the right reasons.
5. Glee and Doctor Who - really weird combination, right? Perhaps I should have said 'Glee and Doctor Who = relaxation'. Since I have been introduced and sucked into the machine that is Glee (I actually purchased the CDs - still not that hot on the writing though), I have been following a UK forum to track the reactions to the episodes. They're on episode 6 and I am probably playing attention mostly to how Glee is charting on iTunes and on the BBC over there. It's become quite fun since a) the CDs are in circulation (I think the official release date is soon) b) some songs are not on the CD. Episode 6 had the mashups which were not on the CD. One Glee song (Don't Stop Believing) is in the top 10 and the thought was that the next one might be Somebody to Love. At the moment, Somebody to love is in the 20s - some say because it's on the CD so many people won't buy the single. Well, Episode 6 aired on Monday and by yesterday Halo/Walking on Sunshine was on the cusp of the top 10 and It's My Life/Confessions is in the teens. It's been good fun watching this! As for Doctor Who, I got the Specials on DVD so I have been combing through the DVD extras. I went through the Doctor Who Confidentials for the 2008 Christmas Special, Planet of the Dead and Waters of MArs. Tonight I hope to watch the two for End of Time. It's so much fun learning about how they did certain effects, put together the set, etc.
So that's it for the moment. Until next time!
11 February 2010
10 February 2010
Survived workout night #1
Last night we did 1/2 of a shoulder and back workout. It was demanding and I am pretty weak when it comes to my upper body. Still, it was a good start and it was great to have Aidan to workout with. Next workout is Thursday and I'm hoping to complete a full workout.
We now need to sit down and put together our menus that we'll rotate week to week. I now have a better handle on what we're happy eating and how to modify recipes so it shouldn't be as difficult as last year. Plus I won't have to deal with Aidan complaining about it because he is already used to it. He's thinking we'll have time to do it tonight or Thursday so we can get back to shopping on Friday. I miss my fresh berries in the morning.....
We're doing a 13 mile walk on the 21st and then Aidan has a regiment fitness test on the 22nd. We need to get back to regular walking to prepare for the 21st because I'd hate to do it cold. I am better with walking now (I think I'm 9 weeks post-op) so I'm almost there healing wise. Now I need to get rid of the 10 lbs I've gained. I'm hoping that the walk on the 21st will help!
And an update re:IVF. Aidan doesn't want to close the door on that. He says that we have the money squirreled away and he's going to try not to use it on the apartment. I told him I wasn't comfortable doing that but I understand why he would prefer to see what could be done before going into that set of savings. So we've agreed to see how things go to get grandpa back into the main house and to get started on the apartment. We also said that we should be optimistic that we might be able to do something on our own since that was our plan for April - August. So we're still moving along with plan a and will see what happens.
We now need to sit down and put together our menus that we'll rotate week to week. I now have a better handle on what we're happy eating and how to modify recipes so it shouldn't be as difficult as last year. Plus I won't have to deal with Aidan complaining about it because he is already used to it. He's thinking we'll have time to do it tonight or Thursday so we can get back to shopping on Friday. I miss my fresh berries in the morning.....
We're doing a 13 mile walk on the 21st and then Aidan has a regiment fitness test on the 22nd. We need to get back to regular walking to prepare for the 21st because I'd hate to do it cold. I am better with walking now (I think I'm 9 weeks post-op) so I'm almost there healing wise. Now I need to get rid of the 10 lbs I've gained. I'm hoping that the walk on the 21st will help!
And an update re:IVF. Aidan doesn't want to close the door on that. He says that we have the money squirreled away and he's going to try not to use it on the apartment. I told him I wasn't comfortable doing that but I understand why he would prefer to see what could be done before going into that set of savings. So we've agreed to see how things go to get grandpa back into the main house and to get started on the apartment. We also said that we should be optimistic that we might be able to do something on our own since that was our plan for April - August. So we're still moving along with plan a and will see what happens.
09 February 2010
Once you realise that this is a life changing event
So once I finished spitting nails due to yesterday's newspaper article, reality began to sink in. A lot of work has to be done to get grandpa back into the house and even more work is necessary to get the apartment back to a usable state. Aidan spoke to quite a few people in the construction industry yesterday so we have a plan that we can work with but implementing it will be interesting. You see, there is the expensive option (get contractors to do major things and we do the rest) and the really expensive option (get contractors to do everything). Since money doesn't grow on trees, we're looking at a phased expensive approach. That means grandpa will get back home asap but the apartment will be off the market for probably a year or more.
I had some time to think about what this means for us in the next year or so. There goes our evenings and weekends. Our budgeting and savings will change to reflect the work that we're taking on. Most likely we won't be taking a vacation this year. And most likely we won't be doing IVF in September. I thought about good things as well - creating menus and grocery lists so we can have fun cooking together in the kitchen, going on 'picnics' for date night to remove that line item from our budget (when the weather is better), implementing a fitness bank (do one hour of working out together to bank one hour of tv watching together) and spending more time gardening and on the water this spring/fall/summer after working on the apartment. At this point we won't cancel the housekeeping service (particularly if we'll be so bushed from cleaning/working on the other place) and my monthly waxing and hair appointments are contained in my budget for the moment for me to reassess at a later date.
So while there are good plans and I believe we'll make the most of it, I am afraid that I am having difficulty being optimistic about the babymaking portion. It's a habit that is more difficult to shake - I do not automatically think of contingencies when it comes to our fertility that way I can when it comes to how to rebuild after a fire, for example. I tried to visualise us getting pg on our own this spring/summer/fall - possible but a little tough if we're still dealing with MFI. I tried to consider asking the local doctor to let us do clomid or injectables with IUI - again, a little tough if we're dealing with MFI. And I feel a bit odd considering saving for IVF on my own when we're going to be actively budgeting to get the apartment fixed.
No, I haven't thrown in the towel but I am on unsteady ground. I tried to shore myself up by reading about changing my attitude around being lucky and unlucky. I have been focusing on not dewlling on all of this ill fortune and instead taking control of the situation by imagining how things could have been worse and therefore taking the opportunity to make things better (whether it means making the apartment better, spending quality time together or being less single minded about babymaking). I have also started and hope to continue recognising all the positives of our lives daily, which ultimately gets me into the mindset that our futures are bright (I did this in grad school and it worked wonders!).
So this is where I am mentally this morning. Tonight we're focusing our irritation into working out. We're going to take each day at a time for a a bit but I think we'll settle into the routine of this altered life as we progress into the spring and summer.
I had some time to think about what this means for us in the next year or so. There goes our evenings and weekends. Our budgeting and savings will change to reflect the work that we're taking on. Most likely we won't be taking a vacation this year. And most likely we won't be doing IVF in September. I thought about good things as well - creating menus and grocery lists so we can have fun cooking together in the kitchen, going on 'picnics' for date night to remove that line item from our budget (when the weather is better), implementing a fitness bank (do one hour of working out together to bank one hour of tv watching together) and spending more time gardening and on the water this spring/fall/summer after working on the apartment. At this point we won't cancel the housekeeping service (particularly if we'll be so bushed from cleaning/working on the other place) and my monthly waxing and hair appointments are contained in my budget for the moment for me to reassess at a later date.
So while there are good plans and I believe we'll make the most of it, I am afraid that I am having difficulty being optimistic about the babymaking portion. It's a habit that is more difficult to shake - I do not automatically think of contingencies when it comes to our fertility that way I can when it comes to how to rebuild after a fire, for example. I tried to visualise us getting pg on our own this spring/summer/fall - possible but a little tough if we're still dealing with MFI. I tried to consider asking the local doctor to let us do clomid or injectables with IUI - again, a little tough if we're dealing with MFI. And I feel a bit odd considering saving for IVF on my own when we're going to be actively budgeting to get the apartment fixed.
No, I haven't thrown in the towel but I am on unsteady ground. I tried to shore myself up by reading about changing my attitude around being lucky and unlucky. I have been focusing on not dewlling on all of this ill fortune and instead taking control of the situation by imagining how things could have been worse and therefore taking the opportunity to make things better (whether it means making the apartment better, spending quality time together or being less single minded about babymaking). I have also started and hope to continue recognising all the positives of our lives daily, which ultimately gets me into the mindset that our futures are bright (I did this in grad school and it worked wonders!).
So this is where I am mentally this morning. Tonight we're focusing our irritation into working out. We're going to take each day at a time for a a bit but I think we'll settle into the routine of this altered life as we progress into the spring and summer.
08 February 2010
Irritated!
Thanks everyone for your kind words. It has been a crazy couple of days. We're drained but have managed to get some sleep. Thankfully, we've gotten grandpa settled at Aidan's parent's and he's looking better. The goal now is to get him back into his house.
The fire investigators were there on Saturday and Sunday and will determine whether the blaze was accidental or not. The apartment's tenant, who was not at home during the blaze (her ex was there - and was not supposed to be) has lost everything. Thankfully, she's found one of her cats and is trying to coax the second out of the trees. We haven't seen the third one yet but it doesn't appear to be in the apartment. I am so grateful that the cats are ok (so far).
Aidan is taking a structural engineer up there today to assess what will need to be done to get grandpa back in the house. It looks like the living room floor may need to be replaced from us looking yesterday when we were let into the apartment. The apartment in the meantime needs to be gutted. Even the refrigerator door melted - it was that hot!
So the irritating part - there is a front page newspaper article that says that the guy in the apartment was a hero for getting grandpa out of the house. The investigation isn't over! He wasn't supposed to be there! It looks like he broke into his ex's apartment! While he did break the panes of glass on the door to grandpa's place, Aidan's cousins got him out. So yeah, I'm irritated! Aidan refuses to say anything to the contrary at this point - he wants the fire report. He and his tenant are talking about charging the guy for breaking and entering as it is. I am trying to calm down at the moment but I told Aidan that I'll probably go off it at some point..... yeesh!
The fire investigators were there on Saturday and Sunday and will determine whether the blaze was accidental or not. The apartment's tenant, who was not at home during the blaze (her ex was there - and was not supposed to be) has lost everything. Thankfully, she's found one of her cats and is trying to coax the second out of the trees. We haven't seen the third one yet but it doesn't appear to be in the apartment. I am so grateful that the cats are ok (so far).
Aidan is taking a structural engineer up there today to assess what will need to be done to get grandpa back in the house. It looks like the living room floor may need to be replaced from us looking yesterday when we were let into the apartment. The apartment in the meantime needs to be gutted. Even the refrigerator door melted - it was that hot!
So the irritating part - there is a front page newspaper article that says that the guy in the apartment was a hero for getting grandpa out of the house. The investigation isn't over! He wasn't supposed to be there! It looks like he broke into his ex's apartment! While he did break the panes of glass on the door to grandpa's place, Aidan's cousins got him out. So yeah, I'm irritated! Aidan refuses to say anything to the contrary at this point - he wants the fire report. He and his tenant are talking about charging the guy for breaking and entering as it is. I am trying to calm down at the moment but I told Aidan that I'll probably go off it at some point..... yeesh!
06 February 2010
Not the type of call you want to get
At 3am this morning we got a phone call. Aidan's grandfather's house was on fire. We own the house and rent out the bottom to a tenant so we jumped out of bed, threw on the first things that we could find and drove down to the house. Smoke was bellowing from the apartment. The boyfriend of the girl who rents the apartment was being taken to the hospital (it appeared to be non-life threatening injuries) and Aidan's grandfather was sitting in the yard with Aidan's uncle. Thankfully, Aidan's cousins who live next door heard noise and thought there was a disturbance and called the police. They went over an saw flames and got Aidan's grandfather out of the house.
Once we had ascertained that everyone was ok, we basically spent 4 hours there as they put out the fire, began to assess the site and taped off the apartment area. Thankfully, the main house upstairs has been deemed ok thus far - Aidan will have it assessed structurally by his business partner and then we'll have it cleaned and I'm thinking we'll replace windows (two sustained damage but it might be worth it to replace the rest) and possibly the doors. We'll have to completely redo downstairs, including windows, doors, counters, etc. Aidan s trying to remain optimistic for his grandfather's sake. His grandfather's really shaken. But Aidan's pretty shaken as well and I'm just trying to support him in whatever way I can.
So there's going to be an inspection today at 2pm to try to ascertain the cause of the fire. In the meantime, Aidan, his mom and uncle will have to discuss where grandpa will be staying in the meantime. I'm praying that everything just goes smoothly and some normalcy is attained soon.
Once we had ascertained that everyone was ok, we basically spent 4 hours there as they put out the fire, began to assess the site and taped off the apartment area. Thankfully, the main house upstairs has been deemed ok thus far - Aidan will have it assessed structurally by his business partner and then we'll have it cleaned and I'm thinking we'll replace windows (two sustained damage but it might be worth it to replace the rest) and possibly the doors. We'll have to completely redo downstairs, including windows, doors, counters, etc. Aidan s trying to remain optimistic for his grandfather's sake. His grandfather's really shaken. But Aidan's pretty shaken as well and I'm just trying to support him in whatever way I can.
So there's going to be an inspection today at 2pm to try to ascertain the cause of the fire. In the meantime, Aidan, his mom and uncle will have to discuss where grandpa will be staying in the meantime. I'm praying that everything just goes smoothly and some normalcy is attained soon.
04 February 2010
Remembering My Passion
I wasn't feeling 100% tonight because I am fighting a cold. Instead of trying to get into 'Mad Men', I pulled out one of the stocking gifts that I gave to Aidan for Christmas. The DVD was 'Every Little Step - The Journey of 'A Chorus Line''. It's a great documentary because it combines footage and recordings of the development of the show and original cast interviews while following the casting of the revival. We saw the revival cast on Broadway in December of 2007 so watching this documentary was really fun to see how the casting decision was made.
Anyhow, I spent the evening singing along, bawling at times and wishing that I could do this show before I can't dance anymore. 'A Chorus Line' has always been a favorite of mine because it is the story of dancers. While I have never had the dream to be on Broadway or in the West End, I have done amateur theatre working with some great directors, choreographers and musical directors who have worked on shows in NY and London. I've had great fun singing and dancing in 'Chicago', 'Guys and Dolls', 'Cabaret' and 'Dreamgirls' to name a few. Watching this show tonight reminded me of my passion for dance and musical theatre. I remembered how I used to fight to be a better singer, to be a better dancer, to act more naturally, to learn as much as possible from these amazing people who I got to work with. Even though my college and grad degrees said my career direction was one thing, there was a point where I considered myself a dancer first and a policy analyst/manager/etc second.
I think the underlying theme of the song 'What I did for Love' for me was embodied in 2007 when I was in 'Dreamgirls'. I ended up doing a lot of dancing for the show with 3 other girls and 2 guys. I was 33. The rest of the dancers were between 17 and 21. I fought injuries, my body image (I now know this was partially a fibroid issue) and my sinking confidence as I fought to keep up. There were days when I used to think that all I could really do was teach... and my confidence tanked. I remember the day when the director/choreographer, an amazing talent from NY, wanted me to do a speaking role and I told him to give it to one of the other dancers because she wanted to pursue a career in theatre. Looking back, I can't believe I just gave it away....
Since that point, even though I am still a dancer (highland dancer anyway), I have shied away from auditions and even pantomimes. Sure, since 'Dreamgirls' I have been on this TTC/IF roller coaster - an in the process my confidence has tanked all over the place (career, school and focus included) but I know in my heart that the inability to have kids has had no role in my loss of confidence in my dancing. That is all me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy teaching dancers. But in teaching I'm often reminded that I can't do as much as I could do in the past. I see young talented dancers who remind me of myself, who have years of dancing ahead of them. There are times when I yearn for the chance to do it over - to have done a degree in dance; to have done a dance programme at a major dance organization, to have done more....
Don't get me wrong, I value what I have done. I am grateful to still be dancing at 35 and hope to do so well into old age. And I know at some point I will be at peace with teaching dance, as it will keep me involved in something that I love. Hell, there's also choreography and directing to explore as well. And that's why tonight has been great. I love dancing and I love being involved in the dance community. I love theatre and love being involved in the theatre community. No, I can't make a career out of either (yet... we'll see what can be done with Highland Dancing in Bermuda in the coming years) but the satisfaction of being involved often makes me happy. This is an area where I really want my confidence back. I want to go into an audition again like I did in 2001 when I auditioned for 'Chicago' and take a risk that could lead to an amazing stage experience. I want to see the name of an upcoming show and say, "Yeah, I'll be in that". I want to get on stage with the confidence of a person who grew up onstage and backstage - hell, I've been doing this since I was 5, why can't I do it at 35!!!
So this is something I plan to - I need to work on - first with these Highland Dancing exams in April and then who knows. I want to have that feeling again that when I stand on that stage - whether in front of an examiner, a director or an audience - that says "I could have been a Rockette, or a Vegas Showgirl or a Fosse dancer so I am going to WOW you right now!". I need to recapture my passion and I am glad that watching a simple DVD documentary helped to remind me what it is.
Anyhow, I spent the evening singing along, bawling at times and wishing that I could do this show before I can't dance anymore. 'A Chorus Line' has always been a favorite of mine because it is the story of dancers. While I have never had the dream to be on Broadway or in the West End, I have done amateur theatre working with some great directors, choreographers and musical directors who have worked on shows in NY and London. I've had great fun singing and dancing in 'Chicago', 'Guys and Dolls', 'Cabaret' and 'Dreamgirls' to name a few. Watching this show tonight reminded me of my passion for dance and musical theatre. I remembered how I used to fight to be a better singer, to be a better dancer, to act more naturally, to learn as much as possible from these amazing people who I got to work with. Even though my college and grad degrees said my career direction was one thing, there was a point where I considered myself a dancer first and a policy analyst/manager/etc second.
I think the underlying theme of the song 'What I did for Love' for me was embodied in 2007 when I was in 'Dreamgirls'. I ended up doing a lot of dancing for the show with 3 other girls and 2 guys. I was 33. The rest of the dancers were between 17 and 21. I fought injuries, my body image (I now know this was partially a fibroid issue) and my sinking confidence as I fought to keep up. There were days when I used to think that all I could really do was teach... and my confidence tanked. I remember the day when the director/choreographer, an amazing talent from NY, wanted me to do a speaking role and I told him to give it to one of the other dancers because she wanted to pursue a career in theatre. Looking back, I can't believe I just gave it away....
Since that point, even though I am still a dancer (highland dancer anyway), I have shied away from auditions and even pantomimes. Sure, since 'Dreamgirls' I have been on this TTC/IF roller coaster - an in the process my confidence has tanked all over the place (career, school and focus included) but I know in my heart that the inability to have kids has had no role in my loss of confidence in my dancing. That is all me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy teaching dancers. But in teaching I'm often reminded that I can't do as much as I could do in the past. I see young talented dancers who remind me of myself, who have years of dancing ahead of them. There are times when I yearn for the chance to do it over - to have done a degree in dance; to have done a dance programme at a major dance organization, to have done more....
Don't get me wrong, I value what I have done. I am grateful to still be dancing at 35 and hope to do so well into old age. And I know at some point I will be at peace with teaching dance, as it will keep me involved in something that I love. Hell, there's also choreography and directing to explore as well. And that's why tonight has been great. I love dancing and I love being involved in the dance community. I love theatre and love being involved in the theatre community. No, I can't make a career out of either (yet... we'll see what can be done with Highland Dancing in Bermuda in the coming years) but the satisfaction of being involved often makes me happy. This is an area where I really want my confidence back. I want to go into an audition again like I did in 2001 when I auditioned for 'Chicago' and take a risk that could lead to an amazing stage experience. I want to see the name of an upcoming show and say, "Yeah, I'll be in that". I want to get on stage with the confidence of a person who grew up onstage and backstage - hell, I've been doing this since I was 5, why can't I do it at 35!!!
So this is something I plan to - I need to work on - first with these Highland Dancing exams in April and then who knows. I want to have that feeling again that when I stand on that stage - whether in front of an examiner, a director or an audience - that says "I could have been a Rockette, or a Vegas Showgirl or a Fosse dancer so I am going to WOW you right now!". I need to recapture my passion and I am glad that watching a simple DVD documentary helped to remind me what it is.
01 February 2010
Now the Year Gets Underway...
I've never been a fan of January. For me it has always been the slowest month of the year. I don't know if it is because I miss the Christmas holidays or that it takes so long to get back into the swing of things. Even in college, January seemed to take forever to move whereas all of the other months flew by. Due to this feeling, I mostly see January as a staging month - getting things ready for the rest of the year. It doesn't seem to make the month go any faster for me but it does give me things to look forward to during the rest of the year.
I did get a lot accomplished in January 2010. It wasn't as much as I had hoped but I am learning to be satisfied with baby steps because it gets me to the goal. Work is a bit more organized than it was in December while schoolwork still needs some attention. Highland dancing is moving forward with a plan and TTCing for 2010 also has a plan. We've planned a vacation that we will hopefully be able to take. And starting today, our diet and exercise regimine restarts!
It's kinds nice to have plans and to feel organized. I know that real life doesn't really care about plans or organization and I need to get more comfortable with rolling with what life gives me and living life to the fullest while I have the opportunity. Yes, it's easier said than done but I am more open to the concept than I have been over the last 3 years. But you know what I really want to work on in 2010 and no plan or organization can really help me. No, it's not related directly to TTCing. I want to rebuild my confidence. I miss it and sometimes I do not know what to do to regain it. So this is probably my greatest desire at the moment. I've gotten the humility part - now I'd like self-confidence!
I did get a lot accomplished in January 2010. It wasn't as much as I had hoped but I am learning to be satisfied with baby steps because it gets me to the goal. Work is a bit more organized than it was in December while schoolwork still needs some attention. Highland dancing is moving forward with a plan and TTCing for 2010 also has a plan. We've planned a vacation that we will hopefully be able to take. And starting today, our diet and exercise regimine restarts!
It's kinds nice to have plans and to feel organized. I know that real life doesn't really care about plans or organization and I need to get more comfortable with rolling with what life gives me and living life to the fullest while I have the opportunity. Yes, it's easier said than done but I am more open to the concept than I have been over the last 3 years. But you know what I really want to work on in 2010 and no plan or organization can really help me. No, it's not related directly to TTCing. I want to rebuild my confidence. I miss it and sometimes I do not know what to do to regain it. So this is probably my greatest desire at the moment. I've gotten the humility part - now I'd like self-confidence!
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