We interrupt this blog....

TMI moment......

All is right with the world today because I finally got to go to a waxing appointment.

Sure, I remember a girls sushi evening when a good friend of mine tried to convince me and another friend of the benefits of waxing. At that point, I had my eyebrows waxed maybe one or twice a year and said "h*ll no!". That hurt enough! She then went into the amazing end result of the brazillian wax.... you can guess my response. Unfortunately, within a year I had to eat my initial response as I began to have my lower leg waxed, and then my underarms and then my bikini. And then, 3 months before I got married, I had a brazillian. I have not gone back to basic bikini line waxes since. They are the best for dancing and so much easier to deal with in general.

So yeah, you can imagine the horrible world in which I have been living since my last brazillian in November. The whole concept of healing was a PITA from the dancing perspective. It has been torture from the brazilian perspective! I went back for leg and underarm waxes in January and that was good... but it wasn't great... So getting the ok for the rest was akin to winning an award (ok, maybe not that exciting but believe me, I was excited). Today was a little more painful than usual and took a little longer than usual but it was expected. I walked out happy and content. A bit odd, yes I know, but I'll take what I can get.

Looking forward, I wonder about waxing and pregnancy when the time comes. Can I? For how long? And how long after? Odd questions, I know. But after the last 4 months, they're definitely valid.....

:)

HSG... check!

Compared with my Aug 2008 HSG, this time was easy! I checked in at 1.30 after running up two flights of stairs. First I tried to go directly into the unit but then I realised that I hadn't checked in yet. As they processed me the nurse was receiving calls that the OR was ready for me. I literally changed and was immedicately wheeled out. The needle wasn't too bad but I still was pretty freaked out so my BP was a little high. In seconds my ears were tingling (does that happen to anyone else?) and I was out. I woke up a little later in the recovery room. The oxygen was divine! I had to stay there for 30 minutes and then they took me back to the unit to change and have a few biscuits. I was done in 2 hours! Last time I was there for 10 hours! Talk about a difference. Anyhow, it appears that I've healed well and my tubes are open. I apparently have to see the doctor to go over the results in 2 weeks - and then I'll see if the Boston doctor needs to talk.

I ended up at highland dancing because I had time to waste until 8pm. I walked through a few dances and had to deal with people trying on their white dresses. Most of them are too short. I got flustered with the requests to fix or have them remade. Mine is really bad - it's mid thigh and it is supposed to sit on the knee. I went into the tailor this morning and it's actually our fault. We gave him small, medium and large patterns and did not tell him where they were supposed to fall so he made them to the standard length. So they fit some people whose hip to knee measurement sn't that long and are mini-skirts on others. He's going to remake a few but I am so tired of the process. We've had more drama over these white dresses in the last 12 months and still don't have everyone properly outfitted.....

Holiday tomorrow! Good Friday is my favorite. I am sorta looking forward to cooking tonight. I might also make a kite. I definitely will be watching "Easter Parade"!

Counting Down to the HSG

I have to report to the hospital at 1.30 for my outpatient HSG. I haven't eaten since midnight and have only been allowed water this morning. I am not a happy camper! Since it is almost Good Friday, people are eating hot crossed buns and chocolate eggs in the office.... and I have a glass of water. I swear, I want a steak (or KFC) when I get out of the hospital tonight! I just want the whole thing over - to be told that everything is ok and to go forth and multiply.. in mid-April...

Anyhow, I survived Monday's final class for the workshop weekend. I got a commended for my crappy jig and a highly commended for my highland dances in the mock exams. I wasn't graded in the national since I was still learning the last dance. I did get notes though and they were great help. I', now practicing each dance nightly with music and it is helping. As for the theory, I went over the book with DH last night so he can start testing me...

I need to go shopping for Good Friday... I need to make my buns and codfish cakes tomorrow night... and I need to make a kite...

(I Need) Confidence...

This weekend reminded me that I have lost something that I took for granted for so many years in my youth. I have generally been a very confident person. It probably was a by-product of being on stage, enjoying tests in school, reading a lot, theatre. I don't know why I was so confident. I had a bobble in my confidence in high school when I grew from 5'4" to 5'9" and wasn't 'that great' for ballet anymore but I got into theatre and was fine. I never wavered in my confidence in college or grad school and was even really confident during my doctoral coursework. However, I see that my downhill slide in the confidence arena started around the time of our first TTC cycle in 2007 (it was actually a body image issue in a show that I now realise was fibroid related) and hit rock bottom somewhere in 2008. I have been working since then to build my confidence in all areas of my life but it has been a rollercoaster.

Anyhow, this weekend we have had highland dancing and Scottish national dancing workshops and mock exams in preparation for our exams on April 15 & 16. There are 4 of us who teach and 3 of us were planning to take our teacher's exam as of Friday afternoon. Well, Friday was great because the workshops went well and our students did really well. The theory practice was tough but survivable. I came home tired but positive. Saturday we were paranoid again because we had our youngest dancers and their parents. They made it through the workshop and also did well. As we were getting everyone ready for the mock exams, a parent came up to me and congratulated me on being pregnant. In my head I panicked. Thankfully, I pulled it together and said 'no, I had abdominal surgery in December and I am just getting back into dancing. I have some work to do to get back into dancing shape but I should be fine.' She apologised and apologised and I had that conversation in my head all day. So much for wearing leotards to class....

Anyhow, I transferred my paranoia to the mock exams and we made it through the morning and into the afternoon. Then it was time for my mock exams. Oh boy... I bombed in the jig to the point where I was wondering who was up there dancing. I actually looked at my feet the entire time. All of us were a mess and the instructor helped us improve by helping us with our confidence in the steps. We then went into our National and Highland mock exams and I felt much better about my ability to pass. It was at this point that one of the teachers decided not to take the exam with me so I'll be doing it alone... I immediately started questioning my decision to do the exam this year. Unfortunately, I then had a bad night's sleep. Between my painful feet and legs and dreams about that parent that asked me the question (I dreamed that she wanted to take her teacher's exam), I was a basket case. I was ok at Palm Sunday Services but high strung today at the theory class for the teacher's exam. It was a great class and quite helpful and I have a lot of work to do. Still, my confidence came up again and again in my assessment - I know my stuff but I need to say it like I know it. I felt so run down at the end... in my head I was trying to figure out how to build my confidence, where would I find the time to do more, why am I doing this???

I came home, crashed and then had a long talk with Aidan about how to rebuild my confidence. We discussed everything. The beginnings of our loss of control over our lives, the ineffective coping mechanisms we've employed over the years, how our lack of confidence in our fertility has affected our work and personal lives and what we're doing to rebuild confidence and create a 'new normal'. There were no eureka moments because we came to many of the same solutions that we've said for the last year - choosing your battles, working together to get through difficult times, helping one another rebuild confidence in areas that we have more control.

So, exam-wise, I have a nightly tester in my husband who will drill me on the theory so that I feel confident speaking in the exam. The schedule is one dance per night for theory and a run through of the 7 dances for practical retention. As for other areas, we'll work on them one by one.

To end, I have given myself an anthem to get through the coming weeks (and into the summer and fall). It's one of my many favorite songs from 'The Sound of Music":

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

More About the Furbabies

It's been a fun ICLW thus far. I have managed to visit everyone this month and I must admit that I had an all consuming need to finish when I got to #120...

Anyhow, I'd like to thank everyone for visiting and leaving such great comments. I've decided to post a bit more about the four furbabies since they're pretty interesting.

This is Matthias Barnabas. We adopted him and his sister (Loreley Ekatterina) from the SPCA in October 2006 when we got back from our honeymoon. Unfortunately, his sister passed away in May 2007 after being attacked by a ferel cat in the neighborhood. He is a small cat, loves to catch mice and rats and squeaks instead of meows. He sleeps usually with his head tucked under Aidan's chin.

This is Artemis Penelope. She's a crazed lunatic. We adopted her in June 2007, after the deaths of Loreley and our puppy Deaglan Balthazar (he was a tri colour calavalier king charles spaniel and unfortunately he had a liver ailment that took him from us) in May '07. We we're pretty shaken as Loreley and Deaglan passed within 6 days of each other and we were a bit nervous about adopting again. Artemis chose Aidan.... and then took over the house. She's still in charge... She is the largest out of the four and it's mostly fluff. She still likes visiting when we're on the computer - unfortunately, she blocks the screen now.
 She has some dog-like tendencies. She scratches at the door to come in and she licks us (uuuggghhh). She also trains the dogs in cat-like behavior and cleans them before going to bed at night.

Bronwyn Anastacia came to us in October 2007 via British Airways. I think she's from Harlow in the UK. Her sister travelled with her and lives at the other end of the Island (we've seen her a few times since). Bronwyn is the sweetest dog I have ever met. She also snores louder than my husband! She's currently overweight and that's partially due to the winter weather (she refuses to go out or move if it is wet out) and partially due to the fact that she steals food. She is the reason we got a second cavalier - we thought they all would be as nice as her! She was a pro in dog training classes and was often used to calm other dogs down.

Ptolemy Xavier arrived via British Airways in March 2008. He's from Norwich in the UK. He was the runt of the litter but made up for his size with his amazing personality. He was immediately accepted by Matthias, Artemis & Bronwyn and has done everything in his power to fit in. He therefore purrs (a light, drawn out growl), cleans himself, pounces and jumps on high furniture. He's also pretty good at walking on his hind legs. We do not believe that he associates himself at all with dogs. At this point he is not fixed but we're really close to doing it because he is marking everything! He wakes us up every morning by climbing on our chests and purring - it's cute and irritating at the same time.

March ICLW - Welcome

I decided to do an 'A-Z' this month for my introduction but didn't realise how long it would take. Here it is:

A – Artemis, our crazy white cat. She is the queen of the household and has our dogs firmly under her control. Also, Aidan, my husband.

B – Bermuda, the Island where we were both born and live. Also, Bronwyn, our tri-colour cavalier king charles spaniel.

C – Czech Republic, the country where we did our first IVF cycle in Aug/Sept 2009.

D – Dancing, I’ve been dancing since I was 4. I currently teach highland dancing and in April will start teaching bellydancing again.

E – Exercise, I’m currently doing Chalene Extreme along with a little running, yoga and dancing to try to get back in shape after 3 months of not being able to do so post-surgery.

F – Fibroids, I had 10 of them taken out in December 2009 via a robotic laparoscopic myomectomy.

G – Giving, I do a lot of volunteer work and believe that social responsibility is a priority.

H – Hycanith, The first flower to bloom in my garden in 2010. I hope the rest of my garden blooms soon. Also, Hungary, the place where we may do IVF #2.

I – Intern programs, have become my specialty over the years. I now coordinate a technology focused programme during the summer.

J – Jewelry, yes, I like it… and I love to receive it :)

K – Kilt, I get to wear one often thanks to the highland dancing. Aidan is a piper so he wears one too. He looks better in his than I do in mine…

L – Leadership, I’ve been working on a doctorate in organizational leadership since 2004. I’m currently ABD (all but dissertation) and I am trying to motivate myself to finish….

M – Matthias, our level-headed black cat. Also, Marisa, my name!

N – Nutrition, We’ve been working on our nutrition for a year and unfortunately back-slid after my surgery. We’re trying to get back into it again…

O - 'One', my favorite song from ‘A Chorus Line’. It was our final dance of the night at out wedding reception (complete with top hats and canes).

P – Ptolemy, our ruby cavalier king charles spaniel. He thinks he’s a cat. Also, Pipe Band, the entity that sucks up a lot of our time.

Q – Quiz Night, most Tuesdays. We like using all of the nonsense that we have crammed into our brains!

R – Relationship, I’d have to say that this journey has made Aidan and I work harder together to keep the lines of communication open.

S – 'Singing In the Rain’, my favorite movie and the origin of my love of Gene Kelly and tap dancing.

T – ‘Tea for Two’, my first singing/tap dancing performance when I was 6 years old. The second was ‘Getting to Know You’ from ‘The King and I’. My dad coached me at home for both and my love of musical theatre grew exponentially from there…

U – Undo, I’d love to undo the last 3 years to just have doe more research before starting this IF journey. In a way, we’ve wasted so much time through just not knowing.

V – Vexillology, Aidan spends a lot of time doing this…. It’s the study of flags!

W – Water, part of the reason I love living in Bermuda – even if I don’t go swimming much (I hate the sand!)

X – X-ray, I have a hysterosalpingogram scheduled for March 31st

Y – Yoga, I’m trying to add this back into my daily routine… need to relax a bit more…

Z – Zodiac, I was born on the cusp of Gemini & Cancer. Aidan is a Libra.

DST

I personally love daylight saving time (DST). I don't really like 'falling back' because it is literally a waste of time. I have a pretty constant pattern - I wake up at 5.30am in the fall/winter (I then go back to sleep - which is a joke) and at 6.30 in the spring/summer. That said, the first few days of shifing time makes me a monster... I wasn't fit to have a conversation with anyone this morning until after 8am, and I wasn't nice until about 10am.

So last night after Chalean Extreme workout #4, I did a 10 minute relaxation yoga practice. I did it because at the infertility support group that night we discussed trying to be whole during this stressful situation and taking the time when you're not cycling to center yourself in some way. I thought about how I had used yoga and meditation in the past to get through stressful times and wondered why I did not take the time last year to get back into both (outside of obviously branded 'fertility' yoga and meditations that were good but had a lot of fertility language in it). So I pulled out a Rodney Yee DVD and rolled out the mat. It was like visiting an old friend. I love his voice! The relaxation practice was difficult (my flexibility sucks) but nice. I was calmer afterwards. I intended to fo the morning practice but DST got me... perhaps it'll happen in a week or so when I am used to it.

DST has also affected dog walking. The morning walks are now evening walks - but we're not home before dark most nights. Yeah, a little irritating. So Aidan actually ran around the house with the dogs chasing him to tire them out last night (it worked for all three of them). I know the mornings will get more light in the coming weeks but it is a PITA since I like walking in the morning (yeah, the dogs like it too).

Now that DST is back, I want to be in my garden. I ordered some seeds last week and I plan to go to the plant nursery on Saturday and spend the afternoon in the garden. But it's still pretty cool. Even with the sun out I still need a jacket - which I don't find conducive to gardening. But at least I will be able to get into the garden (I hope). It's like every weekend is rainy recently. I hope that this weekend bucks the trend and kicks off a lovely spring.

And finally (in this DST tribute), I mistakenly started our St. Patrick's Day dinner a day early (see para. 1 for the reason why). Yeah, I got up this morning and put everything in the crockpot and Aidan came down and asked why I was making the dinner a day early.... I was not amused.... Anyhow, our dinner will definitely be ready after pipe band/highland dancing rehearsals tomorrow night. And since Aidan is a passport carrying Irishman (and a passport carrying Bermudian and Englishman), we'll celebrate a tiny bit of his heritage, probably talk about the possibility of Ireland in September and visiting his cousins and willing the luck of the Irish upon us!