So be it...

Sorry to just be posting weekly updates - I'm amazed that I am managing to do even that. I am tired. Tired of trying to reclaim my place in the working world. Tired of nights with interrupted sleep. Tired of trying to figure out how to fit my life back together now that I see how disfunctionally I have been living it for quite a while.

I wish there was a group here for the survivors of IF. The graduation concept doesn't ring true to me anymore because I feel even more intensely that I cannot complain about anything related to having Liam because I need to be grateful to have him in the first place. Granted, I felt similarly during the pregnancy but it just feels more lonely right now.

This month, in addition to returning to work, I've revamped my budget to include daycare, education and personal accounts for Liam. Boy, this little guy is expensive! In tightening my belt I realised two things:

First, I looked at my IF related debt that I hadn't budgeted for - the acupuncture and the supplements, the massage treatments and travel related expenses, the wheat grass and the digital monitors and watch, the fitness classes and dvds. Thankfully we did budget for the IVF so those costs are not hanging over our heads. I put together a plan to pay off those debts that I had put on credit cards...  I don't regret doing it but it sucks to still be paying for it.

The second relates to the future. We may be done as it relates to having kids. Other than the expense, I am not willing to go through fertility treatments in the future and Aidan agrees. Whether it be IVF or drugs, we just do not want to go through the rollercoaster ride ever again. That means that if we were to decide to try for a second in the future, it will be au naturel. Which probably means that there will be no more. And we're ok with that. We're not that hot on the topic of additional kids at the moment since the new budget has just been implemented - and two kids in daycare will be really pricey here. Still, we'll discuss again in September and see if we feel the same. And then that may be the true end of this 'growing our family' stage of our lives...