I will admit to not posting much. Perhaps I am better able to deal with more stuff in my head - it doesn't overwhelm me as much. Then again, I am also trying to live life and not complain and be grateful for what I have. But sometimes I still have moments. Normally they're small and I can handle them with a reassuring conversation with DH. But every so often they shake me and no amount of 'I should be grateful' helps pull me out of the fear or confidence sapping funk. One such occasion happened on Monday.
We were grocery shopping. I had had a cruddy day catching up at work. I'm still sick. I don't feel comfortable in my clothes. I swear my fibroids have grown back or my kidneys are getting larger. In any case, my body image confidence is already in the toilet. But we're shopping and we run into a colleague from our old infertility support group. It was wonderful to see him! It hurt to see him. We talked. He thought Liam was so charming. We wanted to ask how things were. We didn't. We parted. We got into the car and said how great it was to see him and how we wish we could catch up with him and his wife - in fact everyone in our old group. We went through so much together. We lost them all when we got pregnant. We wish we could still support them. We wish we still had support sometimes.
Of course this interaction combined with my other feelings of vulnerability that day figured into other conversations that evening. The simple comment that siblings keep each other busy from a lady at church on Sunday. The comment was bouncing around in my head. Some days I'd love to give Liam a sibling. But I'm scared. We discussed my fear - which turned into our fear. Would it not happening rip apart our lives again? Do we want to be in that limbo again? Do we want to lose our confidence again? I don't want that...
So no commitment to try - to figure it out - we're both still not happy with what we became and still discovering who we are now. It still hurts. And we're still dealing with it by ourselves...
2 comments:
Sending you hugs, friend. I wish I could express how much it sounded like you were in MY head writing this - I could "deal" with trying to go through treatments again (which we arent doing) but what scares both Mook and I is what it could mean for US - it took a LOT out of us. I need to maintain a sense of self...
*sigh* this is all so tough. never easy...
((Hugs)) Email me if you just want a further place to vent
This journey is hard, no matter what side you are on. I am sorry you lost a friend to your success. I partially understand your friends reaction, but also I know she lost great support in you by raising a barrier between you. I am also sorry she is not able to be there for you and be happy for/with the way you deserve. I am hoping she will understand it sometime and will get back to you.
In a way, I am still hoping time will help us to heal. After so many lost battles it is hard to recoupe, on either side we are. Don't be hard on yourself.
Much love and (((HUGS))) to you.
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